THIS GIRL'S GOT SOME SET OF BALLS ON HER [and, this time, not on her chin]: Would you believe this is the pose billionaire fauxlebrity Paris Hilton struck the other night in her mug shot? For that alone, death is probably warranted.
Believe it or not, some good can come out of Paris Hilton's latest intrusion into our lives [in case you hadn't heard, the multi-billion dollar receptacle for semen was busted for cocaine the other night]: we can kill her now. Granted, that may seem a bit harsh for a cocaine violation. Still, because it is more serious than the booze and pot she's been busted for before, an argument could be made that heroin and crack can only be around the corner for this stupid bitch, so we might as well kill her now.
On a larger scale, though, there is a real benefit to ending the life this bimbo has wasted with 29 years of vapidness: it may, in fact, be our last best chance to end this nearly 15-year scourge of 'reality'-based entertainment that threatens to send us back into becoming a pack of savages that beats each other with sticks and points up at the sky in horror at the sun, thinking it is a giant yellow monster. Yes, killing Paris Hilton might be our last chance to save us from that future.
How would putting Hilton to death kill 'reality'-based entertainment? Well, for the message it would send. For too long, fellow fauxlebrities - people who are famous for absolutely no discernible reason - have looked at what Hilton has done and sought to emulate it. And who could blame them? Hilton went from being just another teenage billionaire cunt who - despite her wealth - still had to wait in line with the rest of the other rich people waiting to get a table at Nobu, and became someone who made herself a household name/face that never had to wait for anything again. She could go on David Letterman, say nothing and get skewered by Letterman while having absolutely no clue as to what he was saying, and only get more famous. She was a trailblazer - not just for other rich kids living off dead relatives' money - but for people with a lot less money than she had when she became famous.
As a fauxlebrity, Hilton made her own rules [namely, she had none], went where she wanted, when she wanted, and with whom she wanted - using whatever she wanted [booze, drugs, etc] along the way. She became so famous that - even though her wealth was beyond anything imaginable - she stopped having to pay for anything because people wanted her at their parties, at the their restaurants, at their clubs, etc.
What made it even more enticing to other would-be fauxlebrities was that she suffered no consequences. None. Even when she violated parole on drunk driving charges and was sentence to 45 days in prison [she served only 27], she emerged from it more famous, more in demand and more obnoxious than ever.
Because of Paris Hilton, we've been victimized by people whose names you - and more importantly, I - should not know. These include but are in no way limited to: Tila Tequila, Heidi Montag, Kim Kardashian, Brooke Hogan, and Kate Gosselin, Justin Guarini, Ruben Studdard and Octomom. Now, c'mon: you sit there and tell me with a straight face that your life wouldn't be more fulfilling with those assholes out of your head.
If we execute Paris Hilton now, do you think any of the above mentioned assholes would ever dare allow themselves to be photographed on a red carpet for absolutely no reason at all? Do you think Kardashian would risk having her homemade porn movies 'leak' out into the Internet [setting porn back about 30 years, by the way]? Do you think people like Jon and Kate Gosselin or Octomom would ever again dare to procreate in an effort to become famous? Would douchebags like Richard and Mayumi Heene have the temerity to put other lives in danger by faking a story of their son accidentally taking off in a balloon? Would scumbags like Tareq and Michaele Salahi try to breach the security of the White House in the middle of two wars by rubbing elbows with the President of the Untied States?
....uh, well, you're right: they probably still would. But at least with the precedent of putting Paris Hilton to death we'd now have a way of getting rid of all of them.
Then maybe, just maybe, people can become famous again for actually doing something.
DISCLAIMER:In no way shape or form am I advocating the execution of Paris Hilton, or any other person on Earth. Lest anyone be confused by this post and take it into their feeble minds to actually try to kill any of these folks, please remember this is satire. If you are a maniac susceptible to hearing voices or doing stupid things, please unsubscribe from this blog. Oh, and another thing: I realize the above disclaimer might seem hypocritical [i.e. 'I don't advocate the execution of any other person on Earth'], since I constantly call for the death of all terrorists. You're wrong, though, there's no discrepancy at all: while disagreeable and annoying, I'm about 93% certain that Paris Hilton is still a human being. Terrorists, however, are not. Therefore, ispo fatso as Archie Bunker would say, there's no hypocrisy in my statement.
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