Two and a Half Maniacs

DROPS OF JUPITER: The lovely mug shot of Charlie Sheen (above) shortly after his Christmas Day 2009 arrest for domestic violence.

When that idiot Charlie Sheen was arrested last Christmas for pulling a near-O.J. [slang for pulling a knife and placing it at your wife's throat while threatening to kill her], all could agree [well, all except the Hollywood community that continued to embrace him] that he should be shunned from society and exiled to Elba or somewhere.

Well, now that the police incident filed that day has been released, Sheen comes off no less repugnant, but we can come to another conclusion: his wife should join him in Elba. It is clear that both of these two are certifiable and almost certainly deserve each other. This is in no way to justify what Sheen did, nor to condone in the slightest domestic violence no matter how little your wife listens to you [that's a cheap joke, folks].

It is, however, worth noting that while Sheen is a malcontent who frequents prostitutes, enjoys dating porn stars and displays all of the responsibility-traits of a serial killer, the incident on Christmas Day may not have played out exactly the way we were all lead to believe.

Sheen had a very interesting conversation with the arresting officer. Officer Rick Magnuson describes in the report how he entered the home to find Sheen's wife, Brooke Mueller Sheen sobbing uncontrollably. Mueller told Magnuson that Charlie Sheen [or, Carlos Irwin Estevez, as he is referred to in the report; below I substitute 'Sheen' because I kept thinking, 'What the hell is Emilio Estevez doing in this story?'] was upstairs with a knife. When Magnuson went to the stairs and called up, identifying himself as a police officer, Sheen came downstairs with his hands in the air.

While another officer - Casey Ward - interviewed Mueller, Magnuson asked Sheen to speak with him downstairs in the basement, to which sheen readily agreed. According to Magnuson's report, Charlie Sheen told the officer that the fight between he and his wife started with an argument over "a song with a daughter, whom [Sheen] fathered with another woman. [Sheen] further explained that he and the daughter share an affinity for both astronomy and the song 'Drops of Jupiter' from the band 'Train.'" According to Sheen, this affinity is what initially set Mueller off. According to the report, "Mueller was jealous of this relationship with his
daughter. He stated that Mueller said, 'you have a song you share with your
daughter, but not one with me.'" If true, this is probably all the confirmation a jury would need to have Mueller committed to a mental institution along with her husband.

After recovering from the shock of this explanation for the origin of the argument, Magnuson asked Sheen, "if he struck or pushed Mueller. [Sheen] denied pushing
or striking Mueller. [Sheen] added that during this argument, Mueller became
irate, threatening to divorce him and take the children away. [Sheen] stated
that Mueller said, 'I'm calling Troup (a divorce attorney) and you will never
see your kids again.' [Sheen] stated that he became very upset with this threat
because of past experiences."

And God knows Sheen has had past experiences with the law. Indeed, things got a bit humorous when Magnuson asked Sheen for an ID. As Sheen handed Magnuson the ID he told the officer nonchalantly, "'It's fake, I had it made from someone on the set after I lost the real one.'"

By this point, Magnuson heard from the Officer Ward, who had been questioning Mueller. "I learned from Officer Ward that Mueller accused [Sheen] of strangling her, putting a pocket-type knife to her throat and threatening to kill her. Officer Ward added that he observed red marks around Mueller's throat, consistent with a strangulation attempt. Officer Ward also advised me that Mueller claimed that [Sheen] had harmed her in the past."

With that information, Magnuson went back to question Sheen. "I asked [Sheen] if he attempted to strangle Mueller or placed a knife near her throat. [Sheen] denied threatening Mueller with a knife or strangling her. I asked ]Sheen] if he ever harmed Mueller in the past. [Sheen] stated that approximately two months ago, in California, Mueller accused him of sleeping with prostitutes. [Sheen] stated that he denied this allegation, which escalated into a 'huge fight.' He added that when Mueller attempted to leave the argument, he grabbed her by the wrist, causing her to fall to the ground. [Sheen] added that Mueller hit the back of her head on a piece of furniture as she fell to the ground. [Sheen] stated that Mueller was injured when her head contacted the furniture." Ah, yes, the domestic abuser's best friend: the 'hit the back of her head on a piece of furniture' excuse.

By this point - clearly confused as to whether he was talking to an abuser or a guy married to a lunatic - Magnuson turned his attention to the alleged weapon. Magnuson asked Sheen if he did really have a knife. Sheen, "stated that he had a folding knife in his travel bag, which was near the upstairs bedroom. We went upstairs to the hallway outside the bedroom where the altercation occurred. I
observed two black Prada bags in the hallway, approximately six feet from the
bed. [Sheen] reached into the larger travel bag and I observed a dark colored
knife with an approximate four inch blade, which was in the open position. [Sheen] took the knife from the bag, laying it on the floor where I retrieved it. I attempted to close the knife and found it to be in the locked position."

Magnuson noticed something else: two pairs of broken eye glasses. When Magnuson asked Sheen what had happened, the actor - as calmly and rationally as if he was explaining how he'd gone out in the morning to bring in the paper - told Magnuson, "that he took two of Mueller's eyeglasses and broke them in front of her. He demonstrated this by making a breaking gesture with his hands. He added that after breaking the eyeglasses he threw them on the floor of the bedroom." At that point in the report, Magnuson makes one of the oddest segues in the history of police reporting. After writing how Sheen just broke his wife's glasses, Magnuson felt compelled to add that Sheen "was cooperative, forthcoming and polite during my conversation." A polite maniac, that's nice.

That Sheen is a maniac was confirmed shortly thereafter when Magnuson compared notes with Officer Valerie McFarlane, who'd joined Officer Ward in interviewing Mueller. According to the report, Mueller told Sheen was leaving him, seeking a divorce and taking their children [although, the report states the Mueller's exact words were the loving expression, "you'll never see the fucking kids again!"].

Mueller told the officer that Sheen went nuts at this. According to the report, Sheen "grabbed Mueller by the upper part of the throat while straddling her as she lay supine on the bed. Mueller added that [Sheen] then pulled out a knife, holding it to her throat and saying, 'You better be in fear. If you tell anybody, I'll kill you. Your mother's money means nothing, I have ex-police I can hire who know how to get the job done and they won't leave any trace'." Presumably, these are the same ex-police that O.J. said were hired by someone to kill Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman.

After Officer McFarlane showed Magnuson the pictures she had taken of Mueller - which showed "obvious reddening around her throat and a scratch on her arm, between the wrist and elbow" - Magnuson went to see for himself. When he approached Mueller, he could see that she had red marks on her neck "consistent with a strangulation attempt. I asked Mueller if this was normal and she stated that it was not; adding that [Sheen] caused the marks on her neck while he was holding her down on the bed with his hand."

Mueller went on to explain what happened next: according to her, Sheen, "placed a medium sized folding knife, blade exposed, next to her throat, while he straddled her torso on the bed. Mueller told me that she was afraid she was going to die at that moment, adding that she was unable to get up while [Sheen's] other hand was around her throat and his weight on her torso. Mueller demonstrated this incident by lying on her back, on the bed; she placed one hand around her throat and the other was near her neck, mimicking the holding of a knife, with the point aimed at her neck."

Before arresting Sheen, Magnuson asked her about the prior incident of which he'd spoken to Sheen, where Mueller had hit her head. "I told Mueller that I confronted [Sheen] about the incident; adding that [Sheen] claimed that Mueller's injury was inadvertent. This upset Mueller; she was very adamant that [Sheen] intentionally hurt her by throwing her to the ground, like a 'rag doll.' Mueller added that [Sheen] did not want to report the incident to the police. Mueller added that she saw three doctors in California for her head injury. She stated that the injury was
diagnosed as a 'closed head injury'."

The report does have its humorous moments. For instance, it was not just Sheen and Mueller in the house. There were others. Including someone that, I'm sure, all of us having living at our homes. "I also interviewed Kathleen Marie Conway (DOB 11/27/1961). Conway was a guest at the rental home and serves as the sobriety life-coach for Mueller and [Sheen]." Right, like you don't have a sobriety life-coach at home.

Conway did add some color to the details of the incident. "Conway stated that she heard yelling upstairs and went to the upstairs bedroom. She observed [Sheen] in the doorway and Mueller in the bed. Mueller saw Conway at the door and screamed, 'He held a knife to my throat for an hour. I want a divorce. Call Troup & Troup [the attorneys].' [Sheen] yelled back, 'You're not gonna fucking do that. I'm texting my attorney right now and I'll file first.'"

Of course, Conway was not the only guest, either. Hell, she wasn't even the only sobriety coach in the house. Officers also interviewed Sammy Kent, a 'sobriety assistant' Sheen had just met a few days earlier. "Kent explained that [Sheen] hired Kent to counsel him while in Aspen over the holidays. [Sheen] wanted to be sober during this time." Kent said that over the three days he'd observed Sheen, the actor did not appear to be boozing. "Kent said [Sheen] had been doing fine and was sober. Kent said on 12/24/09 at about 10 PM, Conway had learned that Mueller had taken one of [Sheen's] Gabapentin pills. Kent explained Gabapentin is a medication that helps people deal with the desires to drink alcohol. He said it's actually an anti-seizure
medication but also curbs the appetite for alcohol. Kent said Mueller had told Conway she stole this pill from [Sheen]." Ozzie and Harriet these two ain't.

Although, let's face it: The Charlie and Brooke Show would be a helluva lot more entertaining.

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