Not Exactly Ozzie and Harriet

FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP THE MADNESS! For anyone out there who doesn't know, this [above] is the scourge known as 'Will(ow) and Jade(n) Pinkett-Smith'.

How many more children do Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith have? I need to know because if there any more that haven't been force-fed into my life I want to plot my suicide now. This plague of Smith children simply must stop. First of all, it's not as though Will Smith and Jada Pinkett were Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn to begin with. Will Smith is a decent actor - which is funny since he got his start as a rapper, and he may be one of the worst rappers in the history of that God-awful genre. As for the old lady, quick: tell me one thing Jada Pinkett has done. No peeking at Wikipedia, either.

Be truthful: you had no idea what in the hell Jada Pinkett had ever done before you cheated, went on Wikipedia, and remembered that she co-starred with Eddie Murphy in the funny but pointless remake of The Nutty Professor. Ok, then you remembered her on A Different World. Otherwise, she's famous for being married to the guy from Fresh Prince.

For those of you now scared blind, fear not: the Pinkett-Smiths - or whatever the hell you call them - stopped at two offspring; although Will does have a son from a previous bout of sexual intercourse. So, that third kid is always a threat to appear somewhere. Hopefully, though, Will Smith's first baby momma had the kind of genes that produces a doctor or lawyer or something.

And, anyway, the two kids Will and Jada have is more than enough.

I confess, I haven't seen the pointless remake of Karate Kid [you'll notice the family-trait of appearing in pointless remakes, no?]. Nor will I ever. So, for all I know, Jaden Smith is the best actor to appear on the screen since Sir John Gielgud. I highly doubt it, though, and I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that if his parents weren't who they are, the kid's only shot at appearing on television would be as a contestant on BrainSurge.

So, while I didn't see the kid act, I have seen him just about everywhere else and I can't take it anymore. I don't wish anything terrible on anyone's child, but there's a part of me that wouldn't mind if one or both of these off-spring pull a Demi Lovato and disappear into rehab for a while.

Here's the thing, though: Jaden Smith is Elvis compared to his little sister. Willow Smith has recorded the single-most offensive vocal reproduction in the nearly 130 year history of recorded sound. John and Yoko's Two Virgins? It's fucking Exile on Main Street compared two Willow's "Whip May Hair". When I first heard it, I assumed that someone had sampled Alvin and Chipmunks covering something from Frank Zappa.

Here's a link to this twerp's song. I defy you - defy you, I say - to listen to the whole thing without either:

a) Vomiting
b) Jamming a sharp object into both ears
c) a and then b

For those of you faint of heart [not to mention stomach and hearing], here are the lyrics to what Will and Jada's offspring hath wrought [and I'm not making this up]:

I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.

Hop up out the bed turn my swag on.
Pay no attention to them haters.
Because I whip em off.

And we ain't doing nothing wrong so don't tell me nothing.
I'm just tryin' have fun, so keep the party jumpin'.

So wassup! (yeah).
And if they don't know what to do.
We turn our back and wave our hair.
And just shake em off.
Shake em off
Shake em off
Shake em off

Don't let haters keep me off my mind.(mind)
Keep my head up I know I'll be fine.(fine)
Keep fightin' until I get there.
And I'm down and I feel like giving up.

I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.

I'm a get more shine in a little bit.
As soon as I hit the stage.
Applause I'm hearing it.
Whether it's black stars, black cars.
I'm feeling it.

But no other can whip it like I do.
I, I gets it hmmm yeah so hard.
When they see me pull up, I whip it real hard.
I whip it real hard.
Real hard.
I whip it real hard.

Don't let haters keep me off my mind.(mind)
Keep my head up I know I'll be fine.(fine)
Keep fightin' until I get there.
And I'm down and I feel like giving up.

I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.

All my ladies if you feel it.
Go and do it, do it, whip your hair.(whip your hair)
Don't matter if it's long, short.
Do it, do it, whip your hair.(whip your hair.)

All my ladies if you feel it.
Go and do it, do it, whip your hair.(whip your hair)
Don't matter if it's long, short.
Do it, do it, whip your hair.
Your hair, your hair!

Yeah.

I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.

Just writing those lyrics I've already poked one of my eyes out and I'm working on scooping out an ear drum.

The first thing we need to do is have Will Smith neutered. Second, we need to pass a law stating that 'celebrity' must skip at least one generation. That is, if mom and/or dad are famous - even if neither is terribly talented - their children are forced into a lifetime of anonymity, albeit wealthy anonymity.

For now, I'm willing to limit it to that second generation. Should the grandchildren of celebrities become famous, I'm willing to give that a shot. I'm figuring that the dilution of the obnoxious gene might actually create a celebrity with a smidgen of talent.

Until then, I'm going to whip my hair back and forth until my other eardrum falls out.

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