On this, the 234th anniversary of the birth of the United States, what could be more appropriate than reprinting the document? Well, apparently, nothing: nearly every goddamned newspaper in the country, in an effort to give the editorial board the day off, simply reprints the damned thing and plays it off like they're dong something noteworthy and patriotic.
That's not for Evil B. No. Reprint it? Yes. But a 21st-century translation to make the document come alive for the nearly brain-dead youth of America is far, far more important. Old fucks like myself will soon be dust in over the next 50 years. After us, there will be about 7 people in the entire country who even know that the world existed before they were born, let alone a thing about American history.
So, on this Independence Day 2010, I think it important to lay down for posterity - all 7 of them who will be able to read - what our forefathers (a notoriously prickly bunch, mind you), really meant in the document finished on July 2nd and then read to the sweating masses on July 4, 1776.
So, below, you'll find the original text following by the 2010 translation in bold. With that, I wish a Happy Independence Day to everyone. And God help the United States of America:
IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776 [since we've gone to the trouble to lock ourselves up in this God-awfully hot room for weeks - with no air conditioning and unbelievably poor bathing habits, the least you can do is remember this date].
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen United States of America [Listen up]:
When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another [It's about time we end this ridiculous idea that somehow Great Britain is still relevant to our day-to-day lives] and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them [just like the Jews in ancient Egypt, we're entitled to break from England; however, who in the hell wants to wander in the desert for 40 years? So, we've decided that we're not leaving; the British are] a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation [just so you don't think we're a bunch of ungrateful millionaires, we're going to tell you why we're splitting with England].
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal [It's pretty damned obvious that all white men with property are about the same], that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness [God has given us the right to remove this asshole's boot from our necks].
— That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed [because we're all a bunch of unruly cretins - well, at least you are - we have to keep the peace by creating governments and laws so you all don't run rampant across the countryside...most of which we own, by the way],
— That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government [when that government becomes a burr in our saddle, however, we have the right to rise up and squash it like at tick], laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness [and we have the right to replace it with something slightly less annoying].
Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes [you shouldn't just go and overthrow a government solely because it sucks; you couldn't get a good nation off the ground that way]; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed [that's why most of us would rather sit around bitching and moping as opposed to actually doing something about it].
But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security [when you've got a real egregious son-of-a-bitch who simply makes your life unbearable (discounting the wife, of course) - you simply have to say 'Enough' and start breaking some heads].
— Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States [Such is our current situation: King George III has been such a bastard, such a low-life scumbag, he simply has to go].
To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world [Don't believe us? Get a load of what this asshole's done just in the last few years].
He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good [he simply gives us the finger whenever we ask Parliament to pass laws for our benefit].
He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them [Then he gives us some half-assed response like telling his royal governors they can't approve anything until they run it by him first; which would be fine if we had phones or email. We don't though, so it takes six fucking weeks to send him our request and another six weeks to get his response...and that's if he's not on vacation or whoring around Germany (he's German, you know). In that case, good luck getting a response before three months...hell, up to even a year; by that point, most of us have forgotten what the hell we asked him in the first place].
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only [plus, just to get a response we have to agree that he's in charge and Parliament - not our colonial legislatures - are the only group of boobs we can go to with a request].
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures [Not sure if you noticed, but Parliament is in England; you can't walk it].
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people [Not sure why we put this here; it's basically a repeat of the paragraph above that begins 'He has refused to pass other Laws', etc].
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise [he abolishes our colonial legislatures]; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within [it's a fucking mess].
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands [he keeps us from moving from one colony to another without one of his stupid passport thingies - and God forbid you want to move into a territory that's not yet a colony].
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers [we can't even name our own judges; and those funny powdered wigs they wear are cool, too].
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries [they all work for the Man; and that's George, in case you haven't been paying attention].
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance [then he sends the most dreadful people over here to run our governments; and we're not talking about your Wellingtons and Burkes, either. Think about it - if a guy has a great legal or military mind, why the hell would you send him out of your country to America? No, we get that most dangerous creature: the rich moron].
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures [if you think the government agents are bad, you oughta see the cretins he sends from his armies; most of them aren't even British for Christ's sake - They're German! Those people have never even sat on chairs before!].
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power [The idiot political hacks he sends over here have no control over these Huns].
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation [Here's just a few of the things those government nabobs from England have done, just to tickle your ass with a feather, so to speak]:
For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us [George puts these heathen soldiers into our homes where they can grope our wives and say rude things to our daughters; not to mention the homos among their ranks, who grope us and say rude things to our sons]:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States [then, when these soldiers rape, murder and do other nasty things to us, we can't even get a real trial for the criminals because of the aforementioned refusal to let us have our own courts]:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world [On one of his whims he can decide we can't trade in something ]:
For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent [He's got his hand in my wallet. If you had more than a pot to piss in, he'd have it in your wallet, too]:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury [see the above paragraph about judges, etc]:
For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences [He drags our asses back to England for show-trials which end up with us on the gallows]:
For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies [what the fuck has he been doing up in Canada? If there's anything more annoying than a British soldier, it's a Canadian one on one of those faggy-looking ponies]
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments [he abolishes any law he doesn't dig]:
For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever [Here we seem to be putting it on a little thick: I mean, we really hit this point two or three times above].
He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us [he's shooting at us, too!].
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people [We're at war with this cocksucker].
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation [see the aforementioned about the Huns].
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands [he does thing thing called 'impressment' where he captures our sailors and then makes them work on British ships; and the food on a British ship sucks incredibly. The Royal Navy invented scurvy, for God's sake!].
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions [He's really lighting a fire under the Indians' asses; and those ungrateful sons-of-bitches are mean as hell, too; they'd just as soon slit your throat as wish you a 'Good morning'.].
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people [we've tried to be supplicant to His Royal Prickness, but to no avail].
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence [We've tried going around George, too: we know that most British citizens despise the crazy bastard; we've tried to get them as pissed off as we are, pointing out that if he can do this to us, he could do it to them, too].
They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends [they couldn't give a rustier fuck].
We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare [we've had enough! Listen up, assholes],
That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown , and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved [don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out, George] ; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do [we are now going to proceed to go medieval on your ass, George].
— And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor [We realize we're all dead if we don't win this thing, so by signing it we're basically agreeing - like Ben Franklin says - to 'hang together' or surely we will all hang separately].
— John Hancock
Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton
John Hancock, Samuel Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry
Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery
Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott
William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris
Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark
Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross
Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean
Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton
George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton
William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn
Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton
Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton
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