Saturday, October 24, 2009

Why Don't They Make a Pill For Clintonitis?

Nope, that's not Derek Jeter [top] speaking to reporters during the workout Friday at Yankee Stadium. That's allegedly 22-year old Brooke Hundley, whose affair with ESPN analyst and former New York Mets general manager Steve Phillips [bottom] has kept me thoroughly entertained.

I doubt that you've heard of Steve Phillips. Or, if you have, it's because of where he put his dick earlier this summer. So, for those unfamiliar with this little prick: Phillips was the smug New York Mets' general manager in the late 1990s and into earlier this decade. He largely created the team that played the roll of Yankees' punching bag in the 2000 World Series. Not a bad GM. A really, really bad person, however. The married Phillips - liked by virtually none of his fellow GMs [and this is a fraternity that still accepts that little pissant Ed Wade into its social gatherings, mind you] - got his penis caught in someone's cookie jar while still the Mets' general manager in 1998. At that time, Phillips took a brief leave of absence with the Mets after admitting to having sex with a team employee, Rosa Rodriguez, who sued him for sexual harassment [and later settled with him out of court]. At the time, those of us who hate the Mets - about 150,000,000 people and counting in 2009 - were thrilled to see Phillips caught and the Mets humiliated. We were all devastated when they subsequently fired a few years later, figuring we'd never get to goof on him again.

Ah, but we were wrong. Next, he surfaced on our televisions - which, we found out, was more annoying than when he was with the Mets because now we had to listen to him. ESPN immediately hired him as one of its plethora of baseball "experts" and he's been there since 2004. Uh, well, until a few days ago, anyway. Phillips' analysis of baseball fits into the category of most ex-jocks and ex-GMs: it's fucking abysmal. Not to digress, but that's why MLB Network is largely unwatchable. It's all a bunch of former players talking over one another. It's the reason NFL Network always puts an adult in the room whenever more than one ex-jock is on the air.

Now, if the topic was a baseball general manager who fucked his employees, well then Phillips is your man and maybe then I'd understand why ESPN hired him. Still, Phillips would be nothing more than another reason to hit the "mute" button while watching baseball if not for the New York Post getting wind of yet another case of his wandering penis. This time, though, he picked the wrong employee to bang. She went all "Glenn Close" on him, started stalking his wife and family and forced him - yet again - into one of those, "Honey, I've got something I've got to tell you" conversations with his long-suffering wife, Marni. The police had to be brought in. I'm not sure how long Marni Phillips has known that her husband suffers from Clintonitis, but she recently filed for divorce. Whether the latest affair was the final straw or whether it is just another weapon for her already-hired divorce lawyer to use, we don't know.

What is Clintonitis? Well, it's not simply a guy who screws around on his wife. No. It's a man who screws around on his wife with a woman whose face is nearly indiscernible from her ass. It's an acute case of Clintonitis if the guy's wife is - conversely - really good looking. Even if the wife's visage is similar to her derriere, however, it's still Clintonitis if the woman he's fucking is ugly. If you're going to risk losing half of your money, all of your kids and all of your house, it damned-well better be for a hot-looking [and, yes, I'd have to say younger, too] woman. Clintonitis sufferers have no 'risk-reward' thinking ability. You can tell if someone is suffering from Clintonitis very easily: if the chick he's caught cheating with looks like Derek Jeter, then you have a patient suffering from this horrid disease.

I firmly believe that had Monica Lewinski not looked like Babe [the pig, not Ruth], he would never have been impeached. Indeed, I think what really drove Republicans nuts [pun intended] all those years was not the Clinton cheated on his wife throughout his time as governor and then as President. No, it was that he did so with women who were generally heinous. Granted, I wouldn't put Lewinski in the 'heinous' category, per se. Still, if you're going to risk your presidency and your long-crafted historical reputation to get a blow job in the Oval Office, it damned well should be from someone who looks like Kirstie Alley in 1987. Not the 2007 version.

Don't believe me? I've got two words for you: Elliott Spitzer. True, he resigned as governor of New York after being caught with a prostitute. But that's because he's an idiot. Had he had the ability to hold on for a few weeks of embarrassment, he'd have easily survived that scandal. Why? Because the whore he was banging was fucking hot, that's why. Guys across the country looked at her and said, "Oh, ok" when they asked themselves, "Why the hell did he do that?" It was easy, with one look at the woman, to figure out 'why he did that'. She's hot. All guys immediately understood and he's have survived the scandal with no problem. Elliot Spitzer did not suffer from Clintonitis. He was just horny. No harm, no foul. Case closed.

Steve Phillips, though. Well. I mean look at that picture at the top of this entry. That's who he was banging. He might be bisexual, because - to quote the great Austin Powers - "That's a man, baby!" Apparently, some of the other women that Phillips has been caught with over the years have been equally awful. One fellow-GM apparently used to joke that it was a good thing Pete Rose had been banned from baseball because otherwise Phillips might have accidentally tried to fuck him.

The details of Phillips' story is a wonderful one if you hate the Mets. Even though the man hasn't worked for the Mets in years, his past association still makes this a "Mets" story in the eyes of the New York media - and who doesn't like to watch that organization get dragged through the mud time and time again? Indeed, Phillips helped ease the pain of the Yankees' collapse in Game 5 on Thursday night. Thanks, Steve.

The Glenn Close role in this case went to an ESPN assistant, Brooke Hundley - who laughingly claims to be 22 years old. Apparently, Phillips fell into Hundley's nether regions this past July while she was working the ESPN broadcast of a baseball game in St. Louis in which Phillips was announcing. Phillips has told police that he ended the relationship after three days. Presumably it took him three days to turn the lights on.

After Phillips tried to end the relationship, Hundley went crazy. She tried 'friending' Phillips' 16-year old son on Facebook by telling him that she was a fellow student at his high school who had heard that his father had been having an affair with someone at work, and that the boy's parents were subsequently getting a divorce. She sent emails and text messages to Marni Phillips - the wife - that literally took a page from the Fatal Attraction script [a film which, ironically, came out the year Brooke Hundley was born if we're to believe she's 22-years old] with, "Marni, we can't both have him!"

The final straw was when Hundley appeared at Phillips' home, left a note in the mailbox that outlined details of the affair, including the 'gee-I-didn't-need-to-know-that' line that Phillips, "has a big birthmark on his crotch . . . and one on his left inner thigh, so you know I'm not being fake." Why do guys with strange - or at least easily described - genitalia always end up doing bad things with their peni [is that the plural of penis?]?

If - like me - you can't get enough of a story that makes the Mets look ridiculous [even tangentially], I give you the following links to keep you in stitches all day. Enjoy.

Restraining Order Brooke Hundley filed against Steve Phillips

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