If I'd have known she was going to show up again I'd have thought twice about my vote: that damned Oprah is back. After being hidden in a closet or stowed away in a [large] storage trunk, the nation's queen yenta was front and center on Tuesday night in Chicago at the celebratory rally held for President-elect Barack Obama after his election. If you'll recall, 21 months ago it was Oprah who began trying to shove Obama down our throats like one of those stupid authors she falls in love with every month or so. For the first few months of Obama's early campaign, in fact, it appeared as though Obama had replaced Steadman as Oprah's beard.
That "Oprama" duet started to get old real quick. For people like me - who think Oprah is an extremely brilliant business person as well as being the anti-Christ - anything Oprah endorses has to be bad news. "If Oprah's in favor of him," I'd say to no one, as no one was listening, "he's guilty of something." Just as she's empowered every housefrau from Kennebunkport to Baja to gain and lose 50 pounds every other year, Oprah has a scary ability to rally her 'Oprah Nation' to buy whatever awful tchotchke, book, CD or scented douche she tells them to. Thus why I believe she's the most dangerous person in America.
It must not have been just me, because after a few months, an anti-Oprah backlash began to take hold. American males began to transfer their animus toward Oprah onto the "the junior senator from Oprabama". Just as quickly as you can say 'Dr. Phil', Oprah disappeared from the face of the Earth. Or at least whatever corner of the Earth Obama happened to be in at any particular moment. Obama lost Oprah faster than Jeremiah Wright. You would have had a better chance of finding a male that Oprah has had intercourse with than you would have of finding Obama and Oprah together.
And the disassociation worked, too. Pretty soon, men began to forget that Oprah had foisted this young Illinois senator on our wives. We began to actually listen to him, to realize that he was a worthy candidate despite Oprah's endorsement. You got the feeling that somewhere, Oprah was tied up and held hostage to keep her from opening that big goddamned mouth of hers about Obama in front of a camera. The silence was deafening...and it was wonderful. Pretty soon, we all forgot Oprah....
...until last night. Not five minutes after Obama had been declared the winner, there she was - Oprah. Looking smug like she'd actually been responsible for Obama's election. To see Oprah last night, you might have thought she gave birth to the man. You half expected her to get up on the podium to accept the presidency for him. In a flash, millions of males like me who cast our vote for Obama were horrified to realize and remember that Oprah had been there all along, albeit out of sight.
Now that her Highness is back, good luck getting her to shut up. You can expect to see her take on a major role at more than one of the inaugural balls that will usher in Obama's presidency in a few months. I foresee a nationwide TV special hosted by Oprah and friends. Then, you'll see Oprah spending the night in the Lincoln Bedroom of the White House [if you're looking for Steadman that night, the one place you won't find him is in the White House]. Soon, she'll be some unofficial ambassador of goodwill [how funny would it be for Obama to put her in charge of the President's Council on Physical Fitness a la Arnold Schwarzenegger 20 years ago for King George I?].
This is awful. I demand a do-over. If I'd have known I'd have to look at this pompous windbag for the next four years I'd have thought about voting for McCain. I mean, if I'm going to look at a powerful, loud, annoying pompous ignoramous in a dress, I'd rather spend four years looking at Sarah Palin.
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