Cut It Off

John Ensign in June 2009 [above]. The Senate ethics committee said Thursday it found evidence that he had broken the law.

I'm sorry, but I just can't get off John Ensign's case. Yes, I know he resigned from the Senate and it's hardly as much fun to kick a former senator as it is a current senator. Nonetheless, the word that the Senate Ethics Committee ignored Ensign's resignation and completed their investigation - releasing a public report on May 12th - makes it worth revisiting this seedy bastard.

That's because the same bundle of information that led the Ethics Committee to condemn Ensign led the Justice Department to do absolutely nothing. Like the Ethics Committee, Justice Department officials investigating Ensign spent many hours last year in a Las Vegas office interviewing Ensign's ex-aide, Douglas Hampton, as they scrutinized e-mails, handwritten notes and the aide’s detailed recollections about payoffs, secret lobbying and hush money over a disastrous affair.

Unlike the Justice Department, a unanimous Ethics Committee — in a rare public report that corroborated virtually all of Douglas Hampton’s central assertions — said it found compelling evidence that Ensign had not only broken the law, but that he could have been expelled from the Senate had he not made the decision last month to quit first.

Yet the Justice Department has yet to take any action against Ensign nearly two years after allegations of impropriety first surfaced. In fact, they told Ensign's lawyers last December that they were not pursuing criminal charges against him at the time.

In the meantime, Douglas Hampton - the main witness - is now awaiting trial. Not surprisingly, he has filed for bankruptcy, lost his Las Vegas home to foreclosure and is going through a divorce from the woman into whom Senator Ensign fell - Hampton's wife, Cynthia.

The Senate’s harsh report — contrasted with the Justice Department doing absofuckinglutely nothing — provided further evidence for those who complain that the agency has lost its balls when it comes to taking on public officials, a result of the fiasco that resulted from the 2008 corruption case against the late Sen. Ted Stevens [R, Alaska], which was ultimately dropped amid charges of prosecutorial misconduct.

The Senate also took a far tougher stance than the Federal Election Commission [FEC]. Against the recommendation of its lawyer, the FEC also declined to take action against Ensign after it said it could not disprove sworn statements from Ensign and his parents about a $96,000 payment to the Hamptons that they said was a gift. In contrast, the Ethics Committee said the money in fact appeared to be an “unlawful” severance payment and that Ensign made “false and misleading” statements about it to investigators. It also said Ensign appeared to have destroyed e-mails relevant to the investigation.

An FEC official acknowledged to the New York Times that the commission took Ensign at his word, whereas the Senate dug deeper. This official - a complete moron - expressed anger to the Times after learning the true circumstances behind the $96,000 payment. “I hate it when people lie to us,” the official said, adding: “If somebody submits a sworn affidavit, we usually do not go back and question it, unless we have something else to go on. Maybe we should not be so trusting.”

Gee, ya think?

After being totally embarrassed Thursday, the Justice Department scrambled Friday and said it would look at the new allegations. “We take all referrals of potential crimes seriously,” said Laura Sweeney, a department spokeswoman. “We intend to examine thoroughly the information provided, and take any necessary and appropriate steps based on our review.”

Better late than never, I guess.

For our developmentally challenged Justice Department, the Senate Ethics Committee’s 68-page report should provide them with a road map. And who the hell ever thought the Senate Ethics Committee would be the benchmark for the truth?

Their report offers a blistering day-by-day account of the lies and deception, and provides a wonderfully lurid description of the affair and its consequences. It describes efforts by Ensign to keep the affair going even after Cynthia Hampton pleaded to cut it off [presumably, she meant the affair and not the Senator's penis]. Ensign used multiple cellphone accounts and fired Douglas Hampton in part so that he could no longer track Ensign's schedule.

The report also catalogs hysterical efforts by Ensign's friends to keep him away from Cynthia Hampton - much in the same way friends often stage an intervention to keep a friend from way from alcohol. When Ensign was caught in a Nevada hotel room with Cynthia Hampton after he had vowed multiple times to end the affair, he received an angry phone call there from Timothy Coe, a prominent 'Christian fundamentalist' and 'adviser' to Ensign. “I know exactly where you are,” Coe screamed at Ensign. “I know exactly what you are doing. Put your pants on and go home.”

The Ethics Committee report includes repeated references to an investigation in the New York Times in October 2009 about the secret lobbying work that Ensign had obtained for Douglas Hampton — in violation of Senate restrictions — as a way to earn his silence.

The ethics investigation did give us something new: efforts that Ensign made to find income for Douglas Hampton, and it said that the ex-senator on occasion threatened to “cut off” political supporters who refused him. As you can see, there was a fascination with 'cutting off' things.

The Ethics Committee’s findings make it clear what we suspected all along: Ensign destroyed evidence, obstructed justice and misled investigators.

Particularly stupid ones.

copyright 2011 by EBBP Redux. If you are reading this on a blog or website other than EBBP Redux or via a feedreader, this content has been stolen and used without permission.

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

SENATOR WONDERFUL, HIMSELF: Sen. John Ensign, [R, Nev.] (above) is shown with his wife, Darlene, announcing on March 7th in Las Vegas that he wouldn't seek re-election. Now the coward has robbed us of even his remaining 20 months in office, announcing yesterday he'll resign effective May 3rd.
Robbing us of 20 more months of blog-fodder, Sen. John Ensign [R. Nev.] announced Thursday that not only is he not running for reelection in 2012, but the cowardly hypocrite is now going to resign his seat, effective May 3, 2011. While Ensign thought he'd solved his problems by announcing his plans earlier this year not to run for reelection - and, indeed, that announcement led to the end of one investigation - Ensign recently found out that now he is facing another ethics investigation over his affair with a former campaign aide, and his shenanigans in trying to cover it up.

The 52-year-old Republican blowhard - a Jesus-freak who no doubt read the Bible while porking his aide - acknowledged in June 2009 that he had an extramarital affair with Cynthia Hampton, a former member of his campaign staff, and that he had helped her husband, Doug Hampton, a member of his congressional staff, obtain lobbying work with a Nevada company.

This latest ethics investigation focuses in part on $96,000 that Ensign's parents gave to the Hamptons, which Ensign's attorney has hilariously characterized as a 'gift'.

In his resignation notice Thursday, Ensign said the appointment of the latest special counsel shook him because he had hoped the investigation would end with his announcement not to run again. "While I stand behind my firm belief that I have not violated any law, rule, or standard of conduct of the Senate, and I have fought to prove this publicly, I will not continue to subject my family, my constituents, or the Senate to any further rounds of investigation, depositions, drawn out proceedings, or especially public hearings," Ensign's statement read. "For my family and me, this continued personal cost is simply too great." Indeed, defense lawyers are expensive.

Meanwhile, Ensign at least gets rid of one ethics investigation, that of the Senate Ethics [oxymoron alert] Committee. With Ensign gone from the Senate, the Ethics Committee will have no jurisdiction in the matter.

Chair of the Senate Ethics Committee, Sen. Barbara Boxer [D, Calif], wasted no time kicking the Nevada dead horse by publicly agreeing with Ensign's decision. It was a bit surprising, though, that Committee Vice Chair Sen. Johnny Isakson [R, Ga.] joined Boxer in issuing a statement Thursday that Ensign "made the appropriate decision" in stepping down. "The Senate Ethics Committee has worked diligently for 22 months on this matter and will complete its work in a timely fashion," the senators self-servingly said.

Republican Gov. Brian Sandoval [Nev.] will now appoint someone to serve the remainder of Ensign's term. It is believed he will choose U.S. Rep. Dean Heller [R, Nev.] to give his Party the advantage of incumbency in what is expected to be a highly competitive seat that could - in fact - decide which party controls the Senate in 2013.

Ensign's resignation actually improves Republicans' chances, as he had a better chance of being named Pope than he did of winning reelection. Thus, even though he was the third Senate Republican to decide not to seek re-election [joining Assistant Senate Republican Leader Jon Kyl (R, Ariz) Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison (R, Tx)], it is a welcome relief for the GOP - and most people who believe in an afterlife.

In looking back at the case, the Hamptons were hired by Ensign in 2006 — Doug Hampton as a top aide in the Senate office and Cindy Hampton to work on the Ensign for Senate and his PAC campaign committees. Ensign and Cindy Hampton began their affair in December 2007. Doug Hampton discovered the affair because - in addition to being a philanderer - Ensign is also a moron, sending Cindy text messages found by Doug.

The latest investigation surrounds what happened next: in April 2008, Ensign's parents, Mike and Sharon Ensign, gave the Hampton family $96,000. Ensign characterized the money as given "out of concern for the well-being of longtime family friends during a difficult time."

The Hamptons left Ensign's staff that May, but Doug Hampton began consulting for a firm founded by Ensign's closest adviser and run by former Ensign aides.

Presumably, Ensign figured the $96,000 permitted him to continue boinking Mrs. Hampton, as their affair didn't end until August 2008. That same month, Doug Hampton was hired as an executive of Las Vegas-based Allegiant Air, an airline run by Ensign political contributor Maurice Gallagher.

While Ensign was surprised at the timing of word of the investigation, he had to know he was in trouble when Doug Hampton was indicted March 24th by a federal grand jury in Washington on charges he violated federal criminal conflict of interest laws.

While we won't have Ensign to kick around anymore after May 3rd, hopefully Doug Hampton's upcoming trial will make the whole affair - pun very much intended - the 'gift' that keeps on giving.

copyright 2011 by EBBP Redux. If you are reading this on a blog or website other than EBBP Redux or via a feedreader, this content has been stolen and used without permission.

My Kingdom For A Bed

Seattle socialite Cynthia Stroum [above] nearly led to diplomats at the U.S. embassy in Luxembourg War to request transfers.....to Afghanistan or Iraq.

A little-noted diplomatic disaster nearly led to a number of U.S. diplomats descending into the middle of a war zone rather than enjoy safe careers in a country the size of Rhode Island. The reason has to do with the age-old practice of rewarding large contributors to presidential campaigns with plum ambassadorships in countries that are irrelevant. The list of diplomatic incidents that can be traced to this practice is literally endless. It's the latest example that I write of today.

The contributor was Cynthia Stroum, a Seattle-business executive who made significant financial contributions - directly and through fund-raisers - for President Obama and other Democrats during the 2008 campaign. Her reward was the position as U.S. Ambassador to Luxembourg - a country as internationally significant as New Jersey.

Her tenure was less than John Quincy Adams-like, however. It ended when she quit in early-February. A day later, the details of her time in Luxembourg came out, reading reads a How to Empty an Embassy manual. With a little The Devil Loves Prada thrown in.

It turns out that Stroum managed through creating personality conflicts, hurling verbal abuse and making unbelievably funny expenditures of U.S. tax dollars that - for a wealthy woman - are a bit seemly. Her running of the embassy was so bad that embassy staff requested transfers to Iraq or Afghanistan. Think about that for a second.

Lest you think that Stroum earned her personal fortune,it was her father's dough. Sam Stroum was a Seattle philanthropist who made a fortune in the auto-parts business and felt bad enough about it to donate money to get his name on buildings through two charitable foundations. He died in 2001.

The latest move by people in trouble is to send e-mail responses to reporters rather than actually speaking with them. This is actually brilliant, as journalists aren't exactly known for getting quotes 100% accurate - unless they're also stenographers. So, in an e-mail response to the Seattle Times, Cynthia Stroum described the circumstances of her departure from Luxembourg as "unfortunate" and said she had filed a rebuttal to the negative report with the State Department. Her service in Luxembourg, she wrote, gave her new respect for the work done by the diplomatic corps and an admiration for the people of Luxembourg and the ruling family there. I don't doubt that: my guess is she'd never heard of either Luxembourg or the State Department before the appointment.

Stroum also wrote, "The initiatives that I chose to focus on were what I believed to be in the best interest of the relationship between Luxembourg and the United States, and I'm proud of the links connected especially with businesses here in my home state of Washington."

Stroum's appointment had been promoted by Sen. Maria Cantwell [D, Wash.], who said at Stroum's confirmation hearing, "I have known Cynthia for many years, and I know that I can say this with experience: She will be an outstanding representative for our country," Cantwell said. Needless to say, Cantwell's had no comment since Stroum's departure.

Others, however, had much to say. In a report by the Inspector General's Office, investigators found that the Luxembourg embassy "has underperformed for the entirety of the current ambassador's tenure. At present, due to internal problems, it plays no significant role in policy advocacy or reporting, though developments in Luxembourg are certainly of interest to Washington clients and other U.S. missions in the NATO and EU communities." Well, that last part is horse shit, but they have to say that.

The IG's report portrays a corrosive atmosphere at the small embassy, with Stroum running roughshod over staff, threatening to read their e-mails and largely spending her time taking advantage of job-related perks. "The bulk of the mission's internal problems are linked to her leadership deficiencies, the most damaging of which is an abusive management style," the report said. "Those who have questioned or challenged some of the ambassador's actions state that they have paid a heavy price in the form of verbal abuse and been threatened with dismissal," it said.

To give you an idea as to how bad the situation was the Inspector General recommended the State Department dispatch medical personnel to Luxembourg to test the stress levels of embassy employees. It said at least four staffers quit or sought transfers to Iraq and Afghanistan - exchanging a posh diplomatic appointment in a country with plumbing to spend time in a barren war zone.

President Obama nominated Stroum in 2009 to the post in Luxembourg - a nation of 500,000 people, about the size of Rhode Island. Aside from her experience as an investor, 'entertainment producer' and 'philanthropist' active in numerous charities, Stroum's only qualification for the post was her generous contributions to Democratic politicians and causes, particularly Obama. Financial reports say Stroum donated the maximum personal amount to Obama's campaign while after having also donated $2,300 to the failed presidential campaign of former then-Sen. John Edwards [D, N.C.]. More importantly, though, as a fundraiser she was responsible for raising at least $500,000 for Obama, putting her among his top money generators. It didn't hurt that Stroum also had been a generous supporter of local Democrats like Cantwell and her fellow Sen. Patty Murray [D, Wash.].

The Inspector General said it had learned in interviews with embassy staffers that Stroum, shortly after her arrival in Luxembourg, discussed with them "the importance she attaches to the perquisites of" being an ambassador. She was particularly concerned about the state of the ambassador's residence, which was being renovated, it said. Renovation time!

Because of that renovation, Stroum ordered an embassy official to spend time - it turned out to be six weeks - seeking out temporary housing for the ambassador. Over those six weeks, the official - using contacts in Luxembourg, Belgium, Germany and France and two officials from the U.S. Embassy in Brussels - screened 200 properties and visited 30-40.

They found only four that met the ambassador's requirements, and she rejected all of them all anyway, before an 'acceptable' residence was found.

Other highlights from the report include the fact that Stroum spent $2,400 to fly with an aide to a Swiss "professional school," whose graduates have gone on to work for Buckingham Palace and similar places, to interview candidates to replace a caretaker and a fired chef. She had the embassy purchase $3,400 in wine and liquor a day before the 2010 budget year ended in an effort to spend the rest of its annual entertainment budget rather than turn it back over to to the government for FYE 2011. This despite the fact that the State Department - like just about every other business - has rules that say embassies are not allowed "to use excess year-end funds" to buy items unless they are used in that year.

Stroum was reimbursed for the purchase of a new bed because she "preferred a queen bed to the king-size bed already provided." So, it wasn't that she needed a bigger bed - she wanted a smaller one. The embassy twice asked the State Department to reimburse the amount but was denied because it was a personal choice. Despite the refusals, the No. 2 official at the embassy signed off on a reimbursement "out of program funds."

Presumably, now that she's back in Seattle, she's in a comfortable bed.

copyright 2011 by EBBP Redux. If you are reading this on a blog or website other than EBBP Redux or via a feedreader, this content has been stolen and used without permission.

A New Hero of the Stupid

WARNING: This photo, on the right, of Rep. Christopher Lee [R, NY] will turn your creep-meter purple. The photo on the left shows Lee with his shirt on. The meter will be slightly less than purple.

Word came yesterday that our old, dear friend, Sen. John Ensign [R, Nev.] is going to rob us of six more years of fodder by not running for reelection in 2012. Ensign's announcement reminded me that I filed away a story I wanted to write about back in early February. Ensign's pending departure is the perfect time to bring out that file.

On February 9th, Rep. Christopher Lee [R, NY] resigned from Congress but accepted the Hero of the Stupid 2011 Award from Evil B. Why did he feel the need to stop dining at the public trough? Well, like many middle-aged guys with blue balls, he went onto Craiglist to try to get laid. Oh, I neglected two things: he's married and he emailed shirtless photos of himself to a potential suitor.

Lee's brilliance made his second term in Congress one of the briefest in the 221-year history of the institution. The scandal broke on Gawker.com. Rather than giving us days of brilliant blog fodder, however, the cowardly bastard submitted his letter of resignation to the House Clerk in just a few hours.

At least he left us a statement of contrition to chuckle over: "It has been a tremendous honor to serve the people of Western New York. I regret the harm that my actions have caused my family, my staff and my constituents. I deeply and sincerely apologize to them all. I have made profound mistakes and I promise to work as hard as I can to seek their forgiveness. The challenges we face in Western New York and across the country are too serious for me to allow this distraction to continue, and so I am announcing that I have resigned my seat in Congress effective immediately."

In what must have been a bit of a shock to his sensibilities, Lee was outed by the recipient of the emailed photos. Of course, looking at one of the photos [above], I can see why she felt the need to dime him out: it was probably the greatest service to her nation that she'll ever do. The woman - from Maryland - emailed the photos to Gawker. Lee was responding to a Craiglist ad the woman had placed that asked quaintly: "Will someone prove to me not all CL men look like toads?" No, I have no idea what CL means. I've been wracking my brain and the only thing I can come up with is Centenarian Loser.

Lee responded to the ad with an email claiming to be a 40-year old divorced lobbyist. Lee is actually 46-years old but the good news is he probably will soon be a divorced lobbyist.

The disturbing photos show Lee flexing what would apparently be his muscles. One of the emails described him as a "fit fun classy guy." He also sent them from his own personal Gmail account, making it about as easy to track him down as it would have been if he'd taken the photos from the Speaker's lectern of the House.

It took the woman approximately 30 minutes to match the photos to Lee's official Congressional portrait [on Wikipedia]. It took her slightly less time to email the material to Gawker.

Lee had a completely undistinguished career in two-plus years. He generated many press releases by taking advantage of a tragedy when a plane crashed into a house in Clarence, part of his Buffalo-area district, on February 12, 2009, killing 49 people aboard the plane and the home's owner. Ironically, the pilot of that plane was the winner of the Hero for the Stupid 2009 Award. Lee promised to launch an investigation to get to the bottom of the tragedy. His constituents are still waiting.

Lee's exit triggers a special election, which prickly Gov. Andrew Cuomo [D, NY] must call. Lee was first elected in 2008 with 55% of the vote. Lee was then reelected in 2010 with 74% of the vote.

New York is the state that keeps on giving: Lee's resignation comes almost a year after Rep. Eric Massa [D, NY] resigned his seat in western New York's 29th Congressional District amid an investigation into whether he sexually harassed male staffers.

By the way, we're now accepting applications for the Hero of the Stupid 2012 Award. Tell a friend.

copyright 2011 by EBBP Redux. If you are reading this on a blog or website other than EBBP Redux or via a feedreader, this content has been stolen and used without permission.

Don't Know Much About History

The 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry [above, as depicted in an 1890 lithograph by Louis Kurz and Alexander Allison showing the ill-fated attack on Fort Wagner in 1863], one of the first formal units of the United States Army to be made up entirely of African American men, fought on for the North and the Union - no matter what you read in a Virginia history text book.

File this one under 'Things I Couldn't Make Up'. Those of you who hear a Southern accent and automatically think "red-neck, racist moron", well shame on you. Shame on you, but I can also understand why the Southern drawl does conjure up 'slow' in your mind. There's the cliche about the 'South' and American History: namely that nothing has happened in this country - nothing worth remembering, anyway - since Lee surrendered to Grant at Appomattox Courthouse.

There's a lot of truth in that, although it is still a cliche. Yet that cliche isn't helped by recent news out of Virginia that there's some history text books being used there with the following factual inaccuracies:

1) New Orleans began the 1800s as a bustling U.S. harbor
2) The Confederacy included 12 states
3) The United States entered World War in 1916
4) Men in Colonial Virginia commonly wore full suits of armor
5) No Americans survived the Battle of the Alamo

For those of you who don't recognize those as inaccuracies, the correct answers are:

1) It began as a Spanish colonial harbor
2) It had 11 states
3) The U.S. entered the war in 1917
4) No they didn't
5) A few did survive

And these are just some of the errors - there are literally dozens of them - that historians have found in Virginia's textbooks since state officials ordered a review of textbooks by Five Ponds Press in response to an article in the Washington Post back in October.

The Post article in particular highlighted a very interesting claim in one textbook that said African American soldiers fought for the South in large numbers during the Civil War. Even your average moron - just on intuition - knows that's probably not true. That's the kind of 'history' one could find in Southern textbooks in the early 1900s; I'd thought we'd taken care of that. Apparently not.

Our Virginia: Past and Present, the textbook including the African Americans fighting for the South claim, has many other inaccuracies. And similar problems were found in another book by Five Ponds Press, Our America: To 1865. Yes: I'm guessing to many Southern racists they do consider it 'our America' until 1865.

"I absolutely could not believe the number of mistakes - wrong dates and wrong facts everywhere. How in the world did these books get approved?" Ronald Heinemann, a former history professor at Hampden-Sydney College, asked the Post rhetorically. He reviewed Our Virginia: Past and Present. In his recommendation to the state, Heinemann wrote, "This book should be withdrawn from the classroom immediately, or at least by the end of the year."

As I say, it all started after the Post reported that Our Virginia included a sentence saying that thousands of black soldiers fought for the South. That claim is one often made by the lunatic fringe and other Confederate heritage groups but rejected by most people here on Earth. The funniest part was the response of the book's author, Joy Masoff. With a straight face she said at the time that she found references to this 'fact' while doing research on the Internet. And you're wondering why 67% of Americans think George Washington fought in the Civil War?!

To deal with the embarrassment, Virginia officials commissioned a 'blue ribbon' panel of experts to review all history textbooks. The results are disturbing, to say the least. Some reviewers submitted lists of errors that ran several pages long. State officials plan to meet January 10, 2011 to review the historians' concerns. "The findings of these historians have certainly underscored and added urgency to the need to address the weaknesses in our system so we don't have glaring historical errors in our books," said Charles Pyle, a spokesman for Virginia's Department of Education. His brother, Gomer, was unavailable for comment.

As for the publisher, Five Ponds Press [based in Weston, Connecticut of all places] doesn't even try to deny that its books have errors. "Most of the items you reference have been identified, and we sent a notice a week ago to the Virginia Department of Education with our intent to make these edits in the book's next printing," Lou Scolnik, owner of Five Ponds Press, wrote in an email response to questions from the Post.

At least Scolnik is an honest crook. The Virginia Department of Education has been telling people for years that they have the strongest 'standards' required of textbooks in the entire country. Those 'standards' - brilliantly called the Standards of Learning - includes lists of themes that each textbook must cover. It turns out, those standards aren't so stringent after all.

For one thing, the reviewers that the department uses are not scholars. No. They are often elementary school teachers. Now, no offense, but my experience has been that most elementary school teachers chose that speciality because their base of knowledge doesn't exceed the sixth grade. I'm not sure they should be the ones reviewing the textbooks. Gomer's brother pretty much proved that with his ridiculous statement that, "Teachers [reviewing the books for facts] are not reading textbooks front to back, and they're not in a position to identify the kinds of errors that historians could identify." Really. That's what he said.

Five Ponds Press has cornered a growing portion of Virginia's $70 million-a-year textbook market. Many larger publishers employ professional historians, but all of the books by Five Ponds Press have been written by Masoff, who is not a trained historian. I'm doubtful she's a trained anything. If you'd like to read some other titles by Masoff, Google Oh, Yuck! The Encyclopedia of Everything Nasty and Oh, Yikes! History's Grossest, Wackiest Moments. No, really: those are the titles. Unfortunately, Masoff may be looking for work now: Scolnik said Five Ponds is in the process of hiring a professional historian from a Virginia university. Wow - there's a novel idea.

Four of the five experts reviewed books published only by Five Ponds Press. The fifth reviewer, DePaul University sociology professor Christopher Einolf, has written a book on a Civil War general. He reviewed Civil War content in nine Virginia textbooks published by companies other than Five Ponds Press.

Einolf's review found that one book - from publisher Houghton Mifflin Harcourt - has particular problems. Einolf took issue with some characterizations, saying, for example, that Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman did not "destroy" Atlanta but instead burned portions of the city. While I realize that's little consolation to the people who went up in flames, but nonetheless there is a difference between destroying a city and beating the hell out of it.

Einolf also found problems with the textbook's treatment of Pickett's Charge. While the suicidal thrusts involved 5,000 men, it actually involved more than 10,000. 5,000, 10,000 - what's the difference, right? In a shocker, Einolf said many of the other books neglect key elements, such as the role of African Americans in 19th-century Virginia. "Making a mistake is one thing. Ignoring the role that African Americans played in the state is almost as bad," Einolf told the Post. Actually, Professor, I think the latter is worse than the former, but this post isn't dedicated to the wonders of those in higher education.

Perhaps the most succinct word on all of this came from historian Mary Miley Theobald, a former Virginia Commonwealth University professor. She reviewed Our America and concluded to the Post that it was, "just too shocking for words. Any literate person could have opened that book and immediately found a mistake," she said.

The key words there, folks, are 'any literate person'. That disqualifies most elementary school teachers right there.


copyright 2011 by EBBP Redux. If you are reading this on a blog or website other than EBBP Redux or via a feedreader, this content has been stolen and used without permission.

The Zookeeper

Although, no doubt, this is the image Glenn Beck would like you to have of him, click on him to take a listen of the real Glenn Beck, Zookeeper.

Let me start out by saying that Glenn Beck is a charlatan. Saying that he is an asshole would be to state the obvious. Besides, being an asshole isn't really what makes him vile. Like his fellow-purveyor of bullshit - Rush Limbaugh - Beck is nothing more than a former disc jockey who managed to be quick-witted enough to catch the wave of neo-Nazi conservative talk radio and turn it into millions.

Both of these insidious vermin would normally just be a scourge that - like crabs or gonorrhea - one could get rid of with a shot of penicillin. Indeed, in the case of the bloated Limbaugh, the penicillin has largely worked. For the most part - not entirely, but for the most part - Limbaugh has been neutered over the past few years. Even his audience found his addiction to 'hillbilly heroin' a bit much to stomach.

Into that vacuum of racism, jingoism, homophobia and faux-religious fervor has stepped Beck - perhaps one of the least talented disc jockeys of the 20th century. Needless to say, that's saying something.

In the aftermath of his shameful desecration of the 47th anniversary of the March on Washington with his despicable Morons on Washington 2010, I thought it might be helpful to take a real look at the 'real' Glenn Beck. Lest any of you think he believes a word he says, take a listen.

Glenn Beck was born to the shocked, stunned - and not a little disappointed - William and Mary [no, seriously, those were their names] Beck in 1964. Still reeling from the Kennedy assassination and the appearance of The Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show a few days earlier, Beck's family had to deal with him dropping from the womb on February 10th. His early years can be summarized in a sentence: lacking any discernible talent, intellectual curiosity, or natural abilities, his parents naturally encouraged him to pursue a career in radio. Beck was a bit of a prodigy in the disc jockey genre, landing a job at a local radio station in his hometown in Washington state by the age of 13, after winning a contest as The Most Talentless Tween in Washington State, 1976. Around that time, William Beck left Mary, as her alcoholism was cutting into his gambling winnings.

Tragedy [or incredible irony, depending on your political point of view] struck on May 15, 1979, when Mary Beck drowned - along with a man with whom she'd fallen into bed - in Puget Sound. Although Tacoma police stated that Mary Beck "appeared to be a classic drowning victim", Beck has managed to exploit the tragedy into a tale about "overcoming" the "trauma" of his mother's "suicide".

After surprising everyone by actually graduating high school, Beck toured the nation's plethora of tiny, shitty, dead-end disc jockey jobs in shit-kicking towns from Provo, Utah to Hamden, Connecticut. He caught his big break in Phoenix, where he reached the position that was pinnacle of radio disc jockeying in the 1980s: Zookeeper. At that time, a great scourge upon the land came, and it was called The Morning Zoo. Throughout America, listeners of Morning Zoos were subjected to some of the most God-awful attempts at humor through flatulence sound affects, voice impersonations, crank phone calls and dozens of other incredibly unfunny attempts at getting someone to laugh.

By the mid-1980s, like crack clinics and Nancy Reagan 'Say No to Drugs' PSAs, these Zoos were everywhere. To become a Zookeeper was to be at the top of the 'craft'. Zookeepers took such names as 'Tony Rigatoni', 'Bubba the Birth Control Sponge', 'The Greaseman', 'Dirk Dickman' 'Shemp and Fez', and 'Jeff Christie' [the latter being the name the bloated Limbaugh used]. With Beck's lack of talent, terrible impersonations and incredibly poor taste, though, Zookeeping came naturally to him.

Against this scourge of Zoos stood Howard Stern. Through incredible will and talent, Stern managed to set the bar high for radio entertainment and eventually defeated the Zoos by the early 1990s. In doing so, though, Stern inadvertently gave Zookeepers across the nation hundreds of ideas, spoofs, pranks and sketches from which to steal. Fortunately, though, the Zookeepers did a piss-poor job of the imitation and always went too far - blazing past 'funny' before screeching to a violent halt at 'tasteless verbal assault'.

Beck was no exception. Taking a page from Stern's feuds with fellow disc jockeys, Beck started a rivalry with another local Phoenix-area DJ, the equally unfunny although slightly more intelligent Bruce Kelly. Through practical jokes that were about as funny as a migraine, and publicity stunts that bordered on the macabre [Beck telephoned Kelly's wife on-the-air, mocking her recent miscarriage], Beck was the top Zookeeper in Arizona.

Not terribly amused by the 'dead-baby-in-the toilet' prank on Mrs. Kelly, Beck's station fired him. Undaunted, Beck next landed in Houston. This time, he lasted an entire year before being fired for lack of ratings, taste and talent. Beck next moved on to Baltimore. It was during his tenure in Baltimore that Beck was arrested for speeding in his DeLorean with one of the car's gull-wing doors wide open. Beck was once again fired and spent six months in Baltimore living [i.e. boozing and snorting] off of his severance pay.

Next was sunny Hamden, Connecticut. His stint there ended when - in a terribly unfunny bit - Beck pretended to speak Chinese during a taped comedy skit. When an Asian-American listener called to complain, Beck made fun of the caller, playing gongs in the background while speaking in a mock-Chinese accent.

By this time, Beck's personal and professional life was in the shitter. As with most itinerant disc jockeys [redundancy alert], Beck blew through a marriage within a few years in a haze of drugs, booze and broads - but not before fathering two children. By 1994, Beck was suicidal, but - unfortunately - talked himself out of it. At around the same time, Beck diagnosed himself with Attention Deficit Disorder, because no one was paying him any attention.

A complete failure in a life - an occupational hazard of his profession - Beck had a discovery that changed his life, not to mention what it did to ours. While in one of his numerous drug rehabs during the mid-1990s, Beck found Jesus [he was lying under the bed trying to hide from Glenn, apparently], with the encouragement of his daughter - who was tired of being the daughter of a complete fuck up. Beck married another female in 1999, and he, Jesus, his daughters and the new little woman joined the Mormons, as the Moonies had no openings at that time (Beck would later make a financial killing by trivializing his conversion in a terribly funny CD/DVD called "An Unlikely Mormon: The Conversion Story of Glenn Beck". I, personally, can't wait for the musical].

It was in late-1999, however, that Beck finally came up with an idea after 20 years in radio. Seeing the success of the bloated former disc jockey Limbaugh, Beck decided to become a conservative radio talk show host, too. The wittily titled 'Glenn Beck Program' first aired in 2000 in Tampa. Semi-literate white trash from across the region flocked to the program, as Limbaugh was only on for three hours a day, and one can only watch so many Jerry Springer shows. With the success of that market [and the fact that 'the semi-literate white trash' demographic was second only to the Hispanic market in potential ratings growth], by 2002 Premiere Radio Networks was broadcasting Beck's show nationwide on 47 stations.

Competing with Limbaugh in popularity in Florida drove Beck nuts, however. So, he inexplicably moved to Philadelphia, and by 2008 his show was broadcast to over 280 terrestrial stations, as well as XM Satellite.

Radio was one thing. The one area Limbaugh had never managed to conquer - mainly because people had to look at him, was television. Slightly easier on the eyes, Beck thus branched out into TV, determined to become bigger [figuratively, not literally] than Limbaugh. His first foray - in 2006 hosting a nightly news-commentary show on CNN's Headline News - was moderately successful.

The problem was that the semi-literate white trash population had turned the clicker away from CNN to watch Fox "News". That, clearly, was where Beck needed to be. After moving to the Fox "News" Channel, in addition to his own hour of bullshit, Beck was soon appearing on other Fox "News" programs, including a regular segment on The O'Reilly Factor, wittily titled "At Your Beck and Call."

So, that's Beck's history. From Zookeeper to leading the Morons on Washington last weekend. He now tours the nation, making nearly $100 million, and has succeeded in surpassing the bloated Limbaugh as the second most dangerous person in media [Oprah, naturally, being the first].He has helped to fan the flames of racism and bigotry to a 10alarm level. In 2006, Beck remarked to Muslim congressman-elect Keith Ellison, a guest on his show, "I have been nervous about this interview with you, because what I feel like saying is, 'Sir, prove to me that you are not working with our enemies.' And I know you're not. I'm not accusing you of being an enemy, but that's the way I feel."[

Beck's true target, though, has been President Obama. He has said that Obama has repeatedly shown "a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture," saying, "I'm not saying he doesn't like white people. I'm saying he has a problem. This guy is, I believe, a racist." Not content with just attacking the President, Beck has gone after Obama's family as well, mocking 11-year-old Malia Obama during a discussion of the President's response to the BP Gulf oil spill. He questioned Malia's level of education and imitated her voice asking her father why he hated black people.

Beck has had success against Obama, though. The most infamous example was his attacks on one of Obama's dumber appointments, that of Van Jones, whom Obama named Special Advisor for Green Jobs at the White House Council on Environmental Quality [whatever the fuck that is]. Although Jones was in the least important position in Washington, Beck went after him [the fact that Jones deserved to be gotten after is a moot point for my purposes right now]. Beck was critical of Jones' involvement in STORM, a communist non-governmental group, and his support for cop-killer Wesley Cook [i.e. Mumia Abu-Jamal]. Beck spotlighted a video of Jones referring to Republicans as "assholes" [so, he's not completely crazy], and a petition Jones signed suggesting that President Bush knowingly let the 9/11 attacks happen [but he's still pretty wacky]. Wisely, in September 2009, Jones resigned his position in the Obama Administration. The New York Daily News called it Beck's "first knockout punch."

Beck himself has been a target. In 2009, lawyers for Beck brought a case against the owner of a satirical website named GlennBeckRapedAndMurderedAYoungGirlIn1990.com. The claim that the domain name of the website is itself defamatory was described as a first in cyberlaw. Beck's lawyers argued that the site infringed on his trademarked name and that the domain should be turned over to Beck. While the subsequent ruling went against Beck, the web site's author voluntarily transferred the domain to Beck anyway, no doubt for cash.

And cash, after all, is something Beck can understand. It is for cash that he found Jesus, it is for cash that he found conservatism, and is it for cash that Beck has become who he is. Still, no matter how big he gets, there is one title that we should never let Beck can never escape from. It puts all of this in perspective. Never forget that Glenn Beck's true title says it all: Zookeeper.

copyright 2010 by EBBP Redux. If you are reading this on a blog or website other than EBBP Redux or via a feedreader, this content has been stolen and used without permission.

Identity

The U.S. Census is supposed to be confidential. That's true...unless you happen to be the President of the United States [above].

I have to shake my head about this "news" that Barack Obama identifies himself on the 2010 U.S. Census as 'African-American'. People of mixed races are up in arms over the fact that Obama did not select one or more of the other options available to him and every American. Obama's autobiography, Dreams From My Father, deals extensively with the inner-struggle he faced - and faces - being multiracial and finding an identity. So, I don't mean to make light of that struggle - his or others' - by any means. But I do think it a bit ridiculous for people to be so focused on having Obama self-identify himself with the their particular group.

Why? Well, I guess it's because of the way I see the world. Since I fall into one of the following groups, I can say this: my general rule of thumb is this, if the Klan wants you dead, then you're African American [or Jewish, gay, Catholic, or literate]. You can identify yourself as whatever the hell you want, but in the end, as far as the Klan and the rest of the racist world, you're African American. Well, actually, that's not what they'd call you but I won't repeat what they'd call you.

So, the fact that the queries grew so loud that the White House felt compelled to issue an official statement on Obama's Census response - remember, that information is supposed to be confidential - seemed a bit too much for me. The White House's confirmation was simple: "President Obama checked only the racial box that says 'Black, African Am., or Negro'."

The queries were whether he checked other boxes as well. According to the rules of the Census, he could have checked "White", "Some other race" or even written in "Multiracial". That he didn't do so has a lot of people upset, particularly those who self-identify as multiracial. This despite the fact that the whole point of the question on the Census is to "self-identify". Apparently, the information is to be confidential for everyone but the President of the United States.

Fortunately - at least to this point - no one has sought to know how Obama - whom the White House said actually filled out the document - identified his daughters Malia and Sasha. I suppose that would be going too far - even for 21st century media hacks. Just to keep the record straight, Obama added his mother-in-law, Marian Robinson, who lives with the family in the White House.

As a private citizen - before his successful run for the U.S. Senate in 2004 - Obama always self-identified as African American. The First Lady is descended from a South Carolina slave, and Obama himself reportedly takes great pride in being the first African American President of the United States, even if he refuses to publicly display it [in the interest of removing race from his political identity.

While Obama has struggled with the issue of self-identification, he also has a famous sense of humor and dry wit. At the White House Correspondents' dinner last year, he nearly fell over laughing at the opening remarks of comedian Wanda Sykes. Turning to face the President, Sykes said, "You are a black President. I'm proud to be able to say that. That's unless you screw up. And then it's going to be, 'What's up with the half-white guy?'"

copyright 2010 by EBBP Redux. If you are reading this on a blog or website other than EBBP Redux or via a feedreader, this content has been stolen and used without permission.

...They Got Nothin' But Their Jeans...

"I LOVED YOU IN DIFF'RENT STROKES!" Vice President Joe Biden brought down the house - with the exception of the President - this time without even dropping a 'fuck bomb'. Biden's 'Diff'rent Strokes' quip was directed at 8-year old Macelas Owens of Seattle (standing in front of Biden), who was at the signing ceremony as a guest of the President's. Obama's expression says all that needs to be said as to what he thought about his Vice President's sledgehammer wit.


copyright 2010 by EBBP Redux. If you are reading this on a blog or website other than EBBP Redux or via a feedreader, this content has been stolen and used without permission.

It's Promoting Racial Harmony, Stupid

President Obama [above, Friday morning], presumably laughing his ass off at the latest case of agita he's created across the Right with his maddening ability to succeed.

You know, I tried not to write about President Obama's winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Everybody's written about it, blogged it, Tweeted the shit out of it. But I have no choice. Here's a newsflash for all of the assholes out there who are angry and incredulous that "that man in the White House" [as Republicans used to refer to FDR] won the award: admit you just don't like him. C'mon, admit it. If you're one of those lunatics screaming that Obama "did nothing" to earn the award then I would say to you he's also "done nothing" to warrant you spitting poison about the man like he had just upstaged Taylor Swift at the Video Music Awards.

If you're going to point the finger at the Nobel committee and say that they "fell under Obama's spell", then you have to point that same bony little finger back at yourself because by the intensity and temperature of your anger you, too, must have "fallen under his spell": why else would you be getting so worked up about the leader of your nation winning an award that has absolutely zero impact on your daily lives but yet provides a psychological boost for the country as a whole?

And another thing: I was as surprised as anyone - not to mention the President himself - when I woke up yesterday morning, fired up the computer and saw that Obama was a Nobel Peace Prize winner. Surprised. Not angry. Not incredulous. Not full of venom. Surprised. I was probably even a little bewildered. But angry? Why the hell would I be angry that my President won the Nobel Peace Prize? It's not like the Jonas Brothers won the damned thing.

Oh, and one more thing: I've been thinking about it and I think we all may have overlooked one very important thing that may explain why Obama won the award. It's going to drive racists out there nuts, but here goes: he's black. Think about what Obama did in 2008: he managed to run as an African American candidate for President only ten years after James Byrd was dragged through a Texas road by the back of a truck, lynched because he was black. Only15 years after the O.J. Simpson verdict polarized an entire country based solely on race. Only 16 years after the L.A. race riots. Obama didn't win because African Americans voted for him. He won because whites voted for him. In droves. In a country where less than 40 years ago it is debatable whether the man would've been able to buy a house in their neighborhood, send his children to their schools, get a seat at a diner, or find a room in their hotels. You may remember that one of the reasons the Nobel Committee cited Nelson Mandela when they gave him the award in 1993 was because of his ability to unite white and black South Africa politically [although, to be factually correct, the actual election of Mandela didn't take place until the following year].

In America, perhaps we're too close to it to realize just what an amazing accomplishment that was - both for Obama and ourselves. Or what a colossal step toward racial harmony [i.e. peace] it might mean for the country as a whole. If you look at Obama's winning the Nobel through that prism, suddenly it doesn't seem so crazy that he won. With the possible exception of Martin Luther King [1964], the award has generally not been given for peacemaking efforts within the United States. We tend to think of the award as rewarding those who worked for peace in those parts of the world we consider to be violent, or 'Third-world'. The fact that - for many African Americans, even today - parts of America are not unlike the "Third World" often escapes the attention of those of us driving cars with satellite radios.

Yes, Obama has worked to try to reincorporate the United States into the good graces of our allies. And he's worked to try to bring India and Pakistan closer together. He's worked to try to do what no human being has yet been able to: make the Arabs and Jews stop hating each other long enough to lay down their arms. He's worked for a reduction in nuclear weapons. He's done all of that. If you're looking at all of that and thinking that's why he won the Nobel Prize, though, you're missing the point that I think the Committee was making. Based on just that alone, Obama doesn't win the Peace Prize. It's that in conjunction with his ability to rally a nation riven with racial strife for it's entire history to a point where an African American who - 45 years ago couldn't get a decent hotel room in Washington D.C. - now sleeps in the White House as something other than the Chief Porter.

That's change. That's promoting peace. The odds were astronomical when he launched his campaign. Obama did more to promote racial harmony [again, read "peace"] than anyone else in America in 2008. And that's why he's a Nobel Prize winner.

Deal with it.

copyright 2009 by EBBP Redux. If you are reading this on a blog or website other than EBBP Redux or via a feedreader, this content has been stolen and used without permission.

How Bill's Excellent Adventure Was Funded

While used to dealing with fallout from some of the folks in her husband's little black book, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton [above] might have underestimated the importance of Bill Clinton's non-dating contacts.


Not to pour cold water on Bill Clinton - although, God knows, if ever there was someone who needed a cold shower it is our 42nd President - but as details come out about his 'rescue' of two journalists from the hell that is North Korea, shades of arguments made against confirming Hillary Rodham Clinton as Secretary of State are coming to life. President Clinton's central role in the return of the two journalists has once again cast a spotlight on his vast web of financial and political contacts, a network that troubled senators who weighed whether to confirm his wife as Secretary of State.

In the case of the detainees, Clinton tapped wealthy business people to execute a mission that, without a special federal waiver for the aircraft to travel to North Korea, would have been illegal. This after an incident, a few weeks ago, in which one of his business contacts very publicly had the ear of Hillary Rodham Clinton in her role as secretary of state during a visit to India, an uncomfortable reminder of the former president's far-flung interests and associates.

The intersection of power and connections blurred the exact nature of Bill Clinton's trip to North Korea. He agreed to meet with leader Kim Jong-Il two days after North Korea called his wife a "primary schoolgirl" because she had likened the country to an unruly child. The Obama Administration took pains to distance itself from the mission, though officials conceded they had repeated contact with North Korean officials in the days leading up to the trip to confirm the journalists would be released if the former President traveled to Pyongyang.

For her part, with a lifetime's experience of being upstaged by Bill, Hillary Clinton is used to this. While touring Africa while images of her husband meeting with Kim flashed on television sets around the world, Hillary Clinton felt compelled to address the conflicting images when she spoke from Nairobi. "I want to be sure people don't confuse what Bill did, which was a private humanitarian mission to bring these young women home, with our policy, which continues to be one that gives choices to North Korea," she said. "Our policy remains the same."

Of course, that's not what people were upset about: we know there's only one President and no one 'misread' Bill Clinton's journey as being a departure from the Obama Administration's foreign policy. What did upset people, though, was the appearance that diplomatic benefits are flowing from her husband's missions to his clients thanks to his wife's role as Secretary of State.

It is true that no taxpayer money was used to fund the North Korean trip, with the exception of the salaries of the Secret Service agents traveling with President Clinton. Since these salaries would have been paid if he'd been banging a secretary in Peoria or ogling a waitress in the restroom of a Denny's in Topeka, we won't count that as taxpayer money for the trip. Still, the former president procured aircraft and crews by tapping companies and contacts that have previously underwritten his endeavors.

Dow Chemical, which has contributed as much as $50,000 to the William J. Clinton Foundation - granted, a mere pittance by Clinton standards - provided the plane that ferried the former President from his home in Westchester County, N.Y., to Burbank, Calif. There, he boarded an all-business-class Boeing 737 jet provided by wealthy Hollywood producer Steve Bing. Clinton was accompanied by a team that included John D. Podesta, who was his White House chief of staff, and a former State Department expert on North Korea.

Now, Bing is a heavy-hitter in Clinton fundraising. He is one of the biggest donors to the Clinton Foundation, with gifts totaling $10 million to $25 million. Bing will foot an estimated $200,000 bill for the fuel, the crew and other incidental expenses for the trip. The trip was especially difficult to arrange because Federal Aviation Administration [FAA] regulations prohibit U.S.-registered aircraft from landing in North Korea. The company that owns the plane received a call from Bing about the flight, and it took an unprecedented level of cooperation from the FAA and the State Department to secure the necessary legal and diplomatic approvals in time for Clinton's departure to Pyongyang.

As I mentioned in a previous post, the Administration had wanted to send former Vice President Al Gore to North Korea instead of Clinton; Gore is a co-founder of Current TV, which employs the journalists who were detained. More importantly, he's not nearly the pain in the ass that bill Clinton is. Alas, North Korean officials made it clear that they wanted Bill Clinton and no one else.

The breakthrough in the standoff over the journalists -- who were sentenced in June to 12 years of hard labor after being seized near the Chinese border in March -- came on July 18, when the women told their families in a phone call that North Korean officials had clearly stated that they would be released if Clinton came to Pyongyang.

U.S. officials immediately began to verify that statement with North Korean counterparts, and on July 24 National Security Adviser Gen. James L. Jones asked Clinton to consider making the trip. Full assurances from Pyongyang were not secured until the day the former President left Burbank on Bing's jet. At the time of departure, U.S. officials knew that Clinton was scheduled to have a rare meeting with Kim.

Gore praised Bing at a news conference after the plane landed. "To Steve Bing and all the folks who have made the flight possible, we say a word of thanks, deep thanks, as well," he said. The journalists thanked Bing and also Dow and Andrew Liveris, the company's chief executive -- who also is a member of the Clinton Global Initiative, another one of the former President's interminable projects.

This is not the first time since her confirmation that Hillary has run into flak over her husband's [non-dating] Rolodex. On her trip to India last month, Hillary Clinton sat next to another one of her husband's donors, Mukesh Ambani, during a meeting in Mumbai with a group of Indian business tycoons. The European subsidiary of Ambani's Reliance Holdings contributed as much as $250,000 to the Clinton Foundation. During the meeting, Ambani called for the establishment of joint institutions between the United States and India to develop "clean technology." As it happens, the Clinton Foundation is in talks in India with the provincial government of Gujarat to create the world's largest single solar-power project -- and Reliance is also lining up solar projects in the state. Complicating matters further, Reliance is one of the biggest suppliers of refined gasoline to Iran and could be targeted under congressional efforts to cut off Iran's supply of gasoline.

It will be interesting to see if Secretary Clinton lets that happen to one of President Clinton's clients.

copyright 2009 by EBBP Redux. If you are reading this on a blog or website other than EBBP Redux or via a feedreader, this content has been stolen and used without permission.

Bill and Kim's Excellent Adventure

Bill Clinton, Kim Jung-Il and the rest of the cast of the new CBS prime-time drama Pyongyang [based loosely on Dallas, with Kim earning uproarious reviews as the "Korean Miss Ellie"] pose for a publicity photo on Tuesday.

Well, no one can accuse former President Bill Clinton of lacking in drama. The former Chief Executive left North Korea on Wednesday morning after a surreal 20-hour odyssey, in which he won the freedom of two American journalists, seemingly opened a diplomatic channel to North Korea’s reclusive government and dined with the North’s ailing leader, Kim Jong-Il. No doubt, they traded stories about dating in your sixties.

Clinton managed to extricate journalists, Laura Ling and Euna Lee. Although both match Clinton's dating age criteria [both are in their 30s], this is one time when the former President was jetting around with two women and not having sex. Between that and the sight of Kim in the flesh, I'm thinking the former is more noteworthy than the latter, but that's just me.

In June, the North Korean government had sentenced the women to 12 years of hard labor [as if being stuck in North Korea for a dozen years weren't punishment enough] for "illegally" entering North Korean territory. Pyongyang made it very clear that Kim had pardoned the women only after Clinton "apologized" to Kim for their actions. And, if there's one thing Bill Clinton is well-versed at, it's apologizing. For what it's worth National Security Adviser Gen. James L. Jones adamantly refuted Pyongyang's claim regarding Clinton's apology.

Clinton’s mission to Pyongyang was the most visible by an American in nearly a decade. It came at a time when the United States’ relationship with North Korea had reached near-code blue status, after North Korea’s test of its second nuclear device in May and a series of missile launchings.

On a personal level, Clinton's actions ended a harrowing ordeal for the two women, who were stopped on March 17 by soldiers near North Korea’s border with China while researching a report about women and human trafficking. They faced years of imprisonment in the gulag-like confines of a North Korean prison camp. Although, exactly how you can tell a North Korean prison camp from a North Korean summer camp is still unclear.

More importantly for bloggers like me, however, Clinton's actions catapulted Bubba back onto the global stage. The irony, of course, is he did so on behalf of a president who defeated his wife, Hillary Rodham Clinton, in a bitter primary campaign last year, only to choose her to be his secretary of state six months later.

Hillary Clinton was deeply involved in the case, too. She originally proposed sending various people - including former Vice President Al Gore [who co-founded Current TV, the San Francisco-based media company that employees Ling and Lee] - to Pyongyang to lobby for the release of the women. It was then, however, that the North Koreans made their own preference clear. In conversations they had with Ling and Lee, North Korea signaled its desire to have Bill Clinton act as a special envoy. Ling and Lee then relayed that message to their families in the middle of July. That message, in turn, was passed to Gore 10 days ago. Gore then contacted the White House, which then explored whether such a mission would be successful. They asked Gore to ask President Clinton if he would be willing to undertake the trip. Bill Clinton agreed.

The riveting drama of a former president, jetting into a diplomatic crisis while his wife was embarking on a tour of Africa in her role as the nation’s chief diplomat, underscored the unique and enduring role of the Clintons, even in the Obama era. The trip came just two weeks after North Korea issued a harsh personal attack on Hillary Clinton, in response to comments she made comparing its nuclear test and missile launchings to the behavior of an attention-seeking teenager. The North Korean Foreign Ministry objected to her “vulgar remarks” and called her “a funny lady” who was neither intelligent nor diplomatic. “Sometimes she looks like a primary-school girl and sometimes a pensioner going shopping,” a spokesman said at the time. Apparently, a pensioner going shopping is the North Korean equivalent of the English word 'bitch'.

Despite Pyongyang's harsh rhetoric toward the Secretary of State, the episode did not stop consideration of sending her husband as an envoy. In a town that keeps a secret about as well as Lindsay Lohan keeps a boyfriend, the initiative was cloaked in secrecy and came after weeks of back-channel talks between the United States and North Korea through its United Nations mission - all without any leaks. In addition to Gore, the White House’s list of potential candidates included Gov. Bill Richardson [D, New Mexico]. Needless to say we're all thanking God that didn't happen. If it had, Ling and Lee might have been sentenced to an additional 12 years if Kim had been forced to dine with the gluttonous Richardson.

President Obama did not speak directly with President Clinton before the mission. But his national security adviser, Gen. James L. Jones, contacted the former president to brief him what - and what not - to say. The Obama Administration also did what it called “due diligence” with the North Koreans to ensure that - if Bill Clinton went - he would return with the journalists.

So, why did Kim choose Bubba? It really is an amazing story in its simplicity, and it speaks to the universal humanity that even a lunatic like Kim has [somewhere] within him. It turns out that, as president, Clinton had sent Kim a letter of condolence on the death of his father, Kim Il-Sung. Kim apparently was deeply touched when he received the letter. For Kim, it turns out, freeing the women was a “reciprocal humanitarian gesture.”

The families of the American journalists issued a statement saying they were “overjoyed” by news of the pardon and thanked Obama and Secretary of State Clinton. “We especially want to thank President Bill Clinton for taking on such an arduous mission and Vice President Al Gore for his tireless efforts to bring Laura and Euna home,” the statement said.

Administration officials were clear in making the point that President Clinton went to North Korea as a private citizen, and did not carry a message from Obama for Kim and had the authority to negotiate only for the women’s release. Considering Clinton's ability to interpret "authority", you can bet Obama Administration officials made Clinton repeat his instructions back to them just so that they could be sure he understood it. Otherwise, who knows what Clinton might agree to? “This was 100 percent about the journalists,” said a senior administration official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because he didn't want to be named while essentially calling Clinton an unpredictable prick. "We knew Kim Jong-Il would probably seek a meeting with Clinton. But that’s not what this visit was about.”

Still, North Korea, clearly seeing a propaganda opportunity at home and a rare chance for a measure of favorable publicity abroad, welcomed Clinton with the fanfare of a state visit. It broadcast a group portrait that looked not unlike the 1978 publicity photo taken by the cast of Dallas. The event was also portrayed through photos of Kim gesturing and talking to Clinton; of the former president accepting flowers from a North Korean girl; and of Clinton, seated across a negotiating table from Kim, each flanked by their aides.

Among those greeting Clinton at the airport was Kim Kye-Gwan, North Korea’s chief nuclear negotiator. Among those accompanying Clinton was David Straub, a former director of the Korea desk at the State Department, who had held talks with the North Koreans through what is known as the “New York connection” - the U.N. Clinton was joined by John Podesta, an informal adviser to the Obama administration who served as Clinton’s chief of staff in the final years of his presidency, when the former president yearned to travel to North Korea to clinch a deal that would have curbed its nuclear program.

That visit never happened — partly because the White House concluded that a deal was not assured — and President George W. Bush put the kibosh on direct talks with North Korea, setting the stage for eight years of largely fruitless efforts to stop the North’s nuclear ambitions.

Given Clinton’s stature and his long interest in the North Korean nuclear issue, and his inability to follow instructions, you can bet that his discussions in North Korea ranged well beyond obtaining the release of Ling and Lee.

The visit also was another reminder of the awkward dance Bill Clinton and President Obama have been engaged in. The last time the two spoke was in March, when Obama invited Clinton to a ceremony in Washington for signing legislation expanding the AmeriCorps program created by President Clinton. In interviews last spring, Clinton said that he would be happy to do anything Obama asked him to do, but that “I try to stay out of their way.”

Ironically, Bill Clinton’s mission may be less of an issue for Obama than for his Secretary of State. The same day he landed in North Korea, Hillary Rodham Clinton arrived in Kenya, kicking off an 11-day journey through Africa — a visit now largely eclipsed by her husband’s travels.

Not the first - nor, I'm sure, the last - time Bill's upstaged Hillary. At least this time there was no intern involved.

copyright 2009 by EBBP Redux. If you are reading this on a blog or website other than EBBP Redux or via a feedreader, this content has been stolen and used without permission.

Stuart Saves Minnesota Part III

Comic-writer Al Franken [left] and Sen. Norm Coleman (R, Minn) [right] continue to battle over Coleman's seat in the U.S. Senate while the folks in Minnesota long for the days of Jesse Ventura.

Many moons ago, you may recall a blog entry about that goofy ‘ol senate race in Minnesota between Al Franken and the incumbent and disturbing-looking Sen. Norm Coleman [R]. Surely, you have figured that issue was resolved a long, long time ago and one of the men was declared the winner, right? I mean – this is America for Christ’s sake. It’s not like we need to send Jimmy Carter into Minnesota to guarantee a free and fair election, right?

Well, Mr. Carter perhaps should have made that trip to Minneapolis folks, because our northern brethren still can’t figure out whom in the fucking hell won that election back in November between Franken and Coleman. Philosophically, of course, we know that whoever won, the one loser is the whole thing is the state of Minnesota, which will be stuck with whichever one of these goofballs occupies the senate office in Washington.

Indeed, maybe that’s why Minnesotans can’t decide who won the election: they don’t want either of them. Well, whatever the reason, the ridiculousness of the situation is lost on no one, least of all the residents of the state, who fear they will be cast as a bunch of frozen, dim-witted knuckle-dragging mouth-breathers who can’t count to four.

This is a perfect description of the two men fighting for the office. Franken became semi-famous as a comedy writer-turned-political-pundit and Coleman has served in the Senate since defeating former Vice President Mondale in 2002. Aside from being the answer to a trivia question [Which Minnesota politician is so disturbing-looking that voters choose Jesse “The Body” Ventura over him in the 1998 gubernatorial election?], Coleman’s undistinguished career has included an even less notable tenure on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, and a lot of bromides to the Right.

You can see, then, why Minnesota perhaps isn’t in a big hurry to send either one of these geniuses to Washington. A three-judge panel declared Franken the winner on Monday by 312 votes out of roughly 3 million cast. And that was after a seven-week trial. In about three seconds, Coleman announced that he would appeal to the state’s highest court, almost guaranteeing that Minnesota will not get its second senator until the Congressional recess begins this summer.

No one is more frustrated about the impasse than President Obama [except, perhaps, Mrs. Franken, who no doubt was looking forward to Al being out of the house more]. With Franken in the Senate, he would be the 59th Democrat, putting the party just one shy of what they will need to stop Republicans from blocking bills through procedural means.

Also frustrated is the man who was spared from becoming John McCain’s running-mate last summer, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty [R]. Pawlenty is considering whether to seek re-election next year, as well as whether to run for president in 2012. Under Minnesota state law, Pawlenty has to certify the election result before a senator is seated. Needless to say, Pawlenty is getting it from both sides: from Republicans in Washington who want him to do everything to keep Coleman in the Senate, as well as from those Minnesotans eager for the race to end with Franken the declared winner as per the three-judge panel.

Meanwhile, both Franken and Coleman are in limbo, frantically continuing to raise money as if the campaign never ended. Neither man can lay claim to Senate offices in Washington or Minneapolis – meaning that even as the incumbent, Coleman has been forced from his offices since his actual term expired January 3rd. Neither man can begin hiring staff or participate in any official way with Senate proceedings. Not to mention that both of these guys have been out there raising boatloads of money to pay mounting legal bills.

What’s worse, Coleman has gone from just looking weird to actually acting weird. In some strange awakening of his heritage, every morning now he puts tefillin — black leather boxes containing scrolls — on his arm as part of a morning Jewish prayer ritual. “I bind myself every morning,” Coleman told the New York Times. “I bind myself to God every morning because it’s in His hands.” Insert anti-Semitic joke here (which, no doubt, is what Franken would say Republicans want to do in the Senate).

copyright 2009 by EBBP Redux. If you are reading this on a blog or website other than EBBP Redux or via a feedreader, this content has been stolen and used without permission.

Quote of the Day

In 1989, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy [D, Mass] was stalked by paparazzi during a European vacation. One snapped the senator having sexual intercourse in a motorboat. After the National Enquirer ran photos of the tryst, Alabama senator Howell Heflin [R, Ala] joked he was glad to see Kennedy had "changed his position on offshore drilling."

copyright 2009 by EBBP Redux. If you are reading this on a blog or website other than EBBP Redux or via a feedreader, this content has been stolen and used without permission.

Dissing The President, Vol I and Vol II

It is not true that President and Mrs. Obama called out, "Don't let the helicopter door hit you in the ass on the way out!" to President and Mrs. Bush as they left the Capitol on Marine One [above] after Tuesday's inauguration.

For all the pageantry of Tuesday's inauguration of President Obama, there were still a few examples of good, old fashion pissing contests on display for the world to see. One was behind the scenes, but one was out in the open, delivered in such moderation of tone that it took hours for anyone to even notice it had occurred.

First, the behind the scenes incident. We all have people we have to deal with from time to time for whom we wouldn't piss down their throats if their hearts were on fire. Such is the relationship between former Presidents Clinton and Carter. Don't believe me? Check out this exchange at the Capitol on Tuesday as the former living Presidents were lined up to make their entrance onto the platform. My favorite part is the millisecond where Carter and Clinton are face-to-face with nowhere to look, but at each other. Carter simply breezes right on by. Classic.

For his part, Carter denies that there was any snub. He told ABC News that he had just spent "thirty minutes" talking with Clinton prior to the incident and simply wanted to make sure he said hello to President George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush, before heading out onto the platform. Watch the video again and you decide. Looks to me like Clinton and Carter would sooner eat their own feet than say hello to one another.

And this isn't the first time - just this month - that Carter has raised eyebrows with his reaction to Clinton. Back on January 7th, when all the living presidents gathered in the Oval Office for a luncheon with then-President-elect Obama, reporters noted that Carter refused to stand next to Clinton, continuously moving inches away from him throughout the photo opportunity. It became so awkward that, at the end, Clinton clumsily tried to make conversation with the president on his right - George W. Bush - with the asinine comment, "I love this rug."

But the Carter-Clinton rumble was a mere sideshow. Out in the open, with the subject of his criticism sitting no more than ten feet away from him, President Obama delivered a subtle lambasting of his immediate predecessor - George W. Bush - in his inaugural address. Indeed, it marked the first time since the chilly [and I'm not talking about the weather] ceremony in 1933, where newly sworn-in President Franklin Roosevelt performed a vivisection on the departing President Herbert Hoover while the latter sat and visibly stewed on the platform.

FDR's criticisms were direct, but Obama's were no less pointed even though delivered with a velvet glove. There were the obvious barbs - for example, Obama's promise, "We will restore science to its rightful place", and, in speaking of the economic crisis, "this crisis reminds us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control" - but there were other arrows within the address, all aimed at Bush. For instance, when Obama urged Americans to “choose our better history,” to reject a “false choice” between safety and American ideals and to recognize that American military power does not “entitle us to do as we please,” he was clearly rebuking some of the basic tenets of Bush's tenure.

As Obama recited the litany of things that have gone wrong on Bush's watch, you have to believe that Bush was in a state of shock - after all, he has not been in the habit of being forced to sit and listen while he is taken to task for the negatives of his presidency. In fact, what initially looked like a warm sign of affection - Bush's hugging Obama after the latter finished his address - may now be seen in a different light: perhaps Bush told Obama to, "go fuck yourself". Although that seems more in Dick Cheney's style of vulgarity than Bush's. Since Cheney was confined to a wheelchair [the rumor that he broke his ankle while kicking a puppy could not be corroborated], maybe Bush was delivering Cheney's message for him.

Can't wait for the next presidential reunion.

copyright 2009 by EBBP Redux. If you are reading this on a blog or website other than EBBP Redux or via a feedreader, this content has been stolen and used without permission.

Stuart Saves Minnesota

Al Franken [left] and the disturbingly toothy Norm Coleman [right] are battling for a Senate seat from the Gopher State.


Al Franken is a pretty good comedy writer. He's a so-so on-screen talent. I've never listened to his radio show, but from what I hear he's passable as a radio host. So, it was an obvious natural progression for him to run for the U.S. Senate. The star of Stuart Saves His Family [if, indeed, such a train-wreck could be said to include a 'star'] moved to Minnesota recently to challenge the equally disturbing-looking incumbent, Norm Coleman [R]. Word is that some Minnesotans resented Franken's entry into the race, calling him a 'carpet-bagger' even though I'll bet 90% of the people who called him that have no idea what the word means.

Still, enough people didn't see him in a negative light as he won the Democratic primary earlier this year and waged a strong campaign against Coleman. So good a campaign, in fact, that nobody knows who won the damned thing. Imagine Florida in 2000, only on a smaller (and colder) scale. After 2,900,000 total votes, by the end of Election Night last week, Coleman led Franken by a mere 725 votes. What's funny is that somehow between the time that tally was announced and the decision to start a recount was announced, Franken had cut a cool 500 or so votes from that lead. As of today, Coleman's lead is only 206 votes.

I guess because it's so cold up there, people from Minnesota have a hell of a hard time doing simple math. That's the only explanation for why the results of this canvass aren't expected to be known until some time next month. Or, maybe Minnesota is one of those places that gets only 3 hours of sunlight in November, I can't remember. The point is, a good time will be had by all as this recount begins.

Prior to the final results nationwide, many Democrats thought the Franken-Coleman race might be a pivotal one in their desire to secure a filibuster-proof 61 votes. Even if Franken manages to eliminate those stingy 206 Coleman voters, though, that would give the Democrats 58 seats. Nice majority, but the dream of 61 is not going to materialize. That's a shame, because if the Democrats had 60 seats and were waiting on this Franken-Coleman race, election junkies everywhere would have another month to get their fix of Wolf Blitzer and the other odd-looking degenerates, ne'er do wells and bloated former Reagan/Bush White House staffers who now populate the 24-hour a day cable political news world. Anderson Cooper would be doing his awful show from Minneapolis, no doubt. Comedy Central would be running old Saturday Night Live episodes with Franken. There would be much mirth and joy in the land.

Instead, this recount is being conducted under the radar. Coleman - like Bush in 2000 - has the advantage of a Republican governor, Timothy Pawlenty [and how much better does he look now as a McCain VP candidate instead of Sarah Palin?]. Pawlenty was performing his due diligence the other day, telling anyone who would listen - and many who would not - that he was 'disturbed' by some of the antics of the Franken campaign, questioning how 500 votes could just disappear from Coleman between November 4 and November 11. History tells us that whenever a Republican governor is 'concerned' about Democratic shenanigans in an election, you can expect said governor to play a pivotal role in determining who actually wins the damned thing. Pawlenty - and even non-partisans like the Minneapolis Star Tribune - are blasting the group ACORN for their efforts to 'inflate' the voting rolls with bogus names. A recent study by the Tribune found that nearly 75% of the new voters added to Minnesota rolls this year came from ACORN, leading Pawlenty and other Republicans to cast doubt on their validity.

The scene last week on Election Night was equally enjoyable. First, the Associated Press declared Coleman the winner. This led the toothy Republican to bound up on stage at his 'victory' party to declare....well, victory. Problem is, by the time he got up there, the AP had rescinded it's call of Coleman as the winner. Unlike Joe Lieberman in 2000, Franken to his credit did not fold like a cheap lawn chair when the initial AP decision came out, so he refused to concede. The 'who's on first' teleplay that transpired over the next few hours was much funnier than any Stuart movie (then again, your next colonoscopy is going to be a lot funnier than any Stuart movie).

What's even stranger is that Minnesota conducts elections with 20th century technology [granted, not 21st century, but not the 19th century punchcards used by Florida eight years ago] with optical scanners to tally the votes. These systems are supposed to be impervious to the kind of manipulation that appears to be taking place in the Gopher State. Guess not.

Part of me hopes Franken wins. Not because he mirrors my political beliefs but for the sheer entertainment value. With Joe Biden having to resign from the Senate, the upper chamber needs somebody good with one-liners that often lead to dead silence rather than laughter. It would liven things up. A Franken victory might inspire others like Tim Kazurinski, Nora Dunn and other SNL alums to run for office [close your eyes and imagine Senator Tracy Morgan (D) from New York lambasting some poor slob called before a Senate committee with, "You a nasty motherfucker, ain't you?"]. The possibilities are endless. And so, apparently, is this election.

copyright 2008 by EBBP Redux. If you are reading this on a blog or website other than EBBP Redux or via a feedreader, this content has been stolen and used without permission.